Big, big changes...

I know it's been a long time. I'm rethinking my life, what I need in it and what I need out of it. DH and I decided to stop the hotwifing activity. I haven't told HIM yet, he's still deployed but returning in a few weeks. There are so many, many reasons. I don't want my daughter to emulate me in this, for one. And she's noticing EVERYTHING now. If I come home with a different smell on me, or a bruise or just sadder than normal, she'll react. I would hate to see her do this to herself in the future. Another reason is because I am a human female, meaning I get attached. Sex is glue, and I found myself getting jealous over his past lovers. Big red light to me that I need to stop. I realized this was a pattern repeating itself. The time he called me his "slut" reverberates in my head and I realize that I desire NOT to be treated like anyone's slut anymore. I try not to be ashamed of my sexuality, but this one instance causes me upset. I also think I'm coming out of denial about who he really is. He's a messed up guy, and his heart is frozen solid, and if in the tiniest crevice of my mind, I was hoping he'd fall in love with me, I don't anymore. He's so young, so set in his ways, and views sex as a pornographic affair. That's always been a difference between us: I see sex as intimacy, even hotwife sex, and he wants to live out porn. I think I've done enough. And to top it off, I find run-of-the-mill porn distasteful. Always have.

The thought of sleeping with him again is appealing, but leaving and driving away and crying my heart out because I feel used up and spit out is NOT. Then waiting to hear from him, just a word, aching to hear that I'm not just another slut in his list of 12...

Wanting him so badly that I did STUPID, absolutely MORONIC things like unprotected sex when I know he has an STD; wanting him inside me when I knew I was fertile--anything to capture him, I even wanted his baby (idiotic idea) for a time. I let him have anal sex with me despite the risks. I am scared of how insane I got and I don't really want to lose control like that again.

I'm going to crave him and miss him, yes. One good thing is that I'm on a medication now that dulls my sex drive to barely a whisper. I don't NEED it right now, so I have bought myself some time to get used to the new reality. I don't think dh and I will ever have a vibrant sex life--we haven't had intercourse since the little one was born, and even months before that (she's almost one and a half now), and I will learn how to cope somehow. Who knows what the future will bring. I'm letting myself gain some weight, eat comfortingly, and be the plump little spouse dh is happy with. We'll see what happens from here.

Learned desperation

Now I know where I learned to use desperation and contradiction in my personal relationships. Of course. My father. He modeled these behaviors quite vividly, and I picked them up, him being my father and role model when I was a child. I realized just now that I enter the same panic mode when being ignored that he does. Only his acting out field is with his eldest daughter, while mine is with lovers. Definitely food for thought.

I say this because his correspondence is becoming more frequent now--I am sensing the panic--he jumps from angry to fearful and back again. The last correspondence that I talked about was the box of old memories he was "getting rid of." Well, yesterday, came a Hallmark card. Presumably for Mother's Day (I don't even open letters these days). That was less than two weeks between correspondences. He tried the disowning tactic, then the anger and guilt, then the "go around me to get to my daughter" tactic, and now, something different, I am assuming. It reminds me of my childhood a lot. Anger, silence, ignoring, then love and affection through different venues. This echos of the same thing but through other media.

I couldn't ignore him before, obviously, as I was living under his roof, but now, I am free to do so. And the more I ignore, the more correspondence he's sending, the more panicked he's getting, the more "clingy" he's becoming. His major mistake here was assuming that I care now. I did care, desperately, before, and was constantly being crushed by his demands--holding his affection hostage until I did what he wanted. Now, though, he can hold back, threaten, guilt, etc as much as he wants and I'm not listening. I don't need to. But I am observing his actions, and they remind me of what I have been doing in my sex life. This would be the arena in which I play out this drama, not surprisingly, given the covert incest. There's the connection I've been trying to make all this time.

My behavior toward my lover has been reward-based, angry at times, and trying to arouse guilt to get what I want. He completely ignores all of it : )  Which I love, deep down, because it forces me to look at my actions and grow up. With my "soul twin," my actions were so much worse--the same things, but amplified. I would throw "tantrums," threaten to abandon him if he didn't act the way I wanted him to, claim that I was the best friend he'd ever have, be there for him so much I humiliated myself, then become resentful...and then repeat the cycle over and OVER and OVER. He also was like this. Get two people with the same dysfunctional behaviors together and you have the perfect storm.

Dad and I were the perfect storm until I got the courage to let go. I miss having a dad in my life, but every time he acts out, I remember what my ragged body and mind went through all those years, and I don't miss this particular dad THAT much.

The same goes for my soul twin. I'll always be grateful for the experience, and ironically, I'm attending the same therapy retreat this weekend as I did when I was struggling with him a few years back. It will be so different this time--my focus is now on being the mother I need to be and all that goes along with it. It will be intense, but different intense, and I am looking forward to it.

Freedom of speech applies to all except me...

My mother clearly doesn't understand Internet support. She still gets angry when she asks me WHY I wrote personal thoughts on the Internet, referring to the blog that the rest of the family "discovered." My answer to her is support. And being heard. To be open and honest about what happened to me and the consequences and struggles I now deal with as a result, and to connect with like-minded people. She said she doesn't want to read what I wrote and she doesn't want to know what was in my writings. And that's perfectly fine, and that place is no longer available. THIS is where I seek support now.

My response to her insinuated opinion that this was my fault to begin with is that people have choices--the family members chose to read my postings. And they felt their own reactions in response to their decision. My blog was to help me in recovery. Just as this blog is. I write honestly, with no holds bared, and whoever decides to read it is making a CHOICE. If they are offended or upset by what I say, then they must accept that as a consequence of their decision.

This is the concept of free speech that Americans hold dear. But the concept isn't supposed to apply to me for some reason.

I gave away the family secrets that no one wants to believe or accept. And that is unacceptable to them. So be it.

My therapist encourages me to blog. And continue, I will.

As for my biological father, the reason I give away his gifts to my daughter is that he stated, IN HIS OWN WORDS, that he wanted nothing to do with her and that she will miss out on having him in her life. I won't have my daughter used as a pawn and be played around with. Since he's disowned her, he must live up to his action and not play ANY role in her life.

Quick post

Facebook. A wonderful connecting resource, but at the same time, so much more information than a person may want to know!

The only way I can keep in touch with lover is through Facebook. I really don't want to know too much, I start getting jealous and uncomfortable. There's a woman there, her photo is very sexy. I will bet she's one of his women. I don't know if he still sees anyone from that time on the sex site but I really don't want to know. My stomach really hurts when I look to see how he's doing.
Well, stop looking, right? I'm trying. Oh my goodness, though, if he's had her why is he sleeping with me? I'm nothing, really I'm nothing. Compared to these sexy, long legged beauties I'm a lump of clay. I feel sick.
I had this feeling with my soul twin, too. One particular woman who I felt in extreme competition with. She posted a mostly naked photo of herself there and he wrote a response- something like "who is missing in this photo." It killed me. I think I decided to block him after that.
Oh but now I'm older and my body isn't the way it used to be. Old and used and in my depressed moods, I think about just disappearing. Its going to end and Im frightened. God, he only just turned 30!!! I'm so scared and I'm can't quite place my finger on it...

Better...

I'm doing better. Not sure quite what happened- something clicked in my head, partially caused by new development in my daughter. She's suddenly becoming communicative! She actually calls me "mommie"!!! Oh my goodness, something about that woke me up, this child (no longer a baby) needs me! She wants my arms around her at night, she loves cuddling, she depends on me. She woke me up last night by tapping on my shoulder and saying "mommie--ba!" (translation: I want a bottle). And smiled at me. My GOD, this is a sentient being!!! She speaks to me! She asks for what she wants! WOW! I never thought I would have a two-way relationship with this being; it's been all exhausting care taking up until now. I'm absolutely stunned.

I think for the first time in my life, I feel like I am crucial in someone's life. First time. Husbands can eventually divorce you. Lovers get bored. Parents and siblings hurt and desert you. Friends, they come and go. And maybe my daughter will too someday, but we have a relationship now. Right now. I love our nights. We cuddle all night. She drapes herself across me. She kisses my stomach. She pulls my hair and ears and pinches my nose and we laugh and laugh! She is the reason I am working to get better now. Taking my meds, going to a therapy program soon, and working things out. I haven't touched the whiskey in three, maybe four days now. I don't want to do that to her.

It's too much

I can't concentrate. The depression is very bad. I am doing my best for my daughter, but sometimes I just can't take it. I never imagined raising a child would be so hard; I'm not cut out for it. I would say this is still ppd, but it's been over 14 months now.

No, this is me. Never happy no matter what; even if I get everything I want. When my lover was here, I could disassociate with him; now I have nothing to disappear into. Just me getting sick, little one getting sick, watching my husband be energized and happy. I feel very much on the outside, locked in a glass cage. Sometimes I want to howl with my little one, when she screams, I want to do it, too. I want someone to take care of ME. I'm so exhausted, in every single way. I haven't been able to lose the weight from my pregnancy, I can barely move at the end of each day. My hormones are still a wreck; I have the hunger of pregnancy but I'm NOT! I don't understand what's going on.

I need to say to someone that I have started drinking a little. Sometimes my nerves are so shot, when the fussiness won't stop, when I'm alone with my daughter and I am depressed. I drink whiskey or rum. A swig or two, just enough to put a damper on the despair. I did last night. I did a few nights before. I need to talk to someone, I'm hurting inside, like a sword stabbing me in the the stomach over and over again. I'm back on the seroquel for sleep and anxiety, and I'm afraid I might end up doing something.

I don't understand--everything seems to be going fine. I mean, my daughter is healthy and well-adjusted and on track in every way. My career is going fine, I'm very involved in my other "career" and am doing fantastic things. I have plans for going to New York for a conference next month, then a beach vacation in June, then London in the fall.

So I just don't understand why I want to drive my car into an electric pole. I am fighting the urge physically to do this whenever I'm behind the wheel. I have to be constantly vigilant. And when I discovered whiskey about a month ago, I was so relieved. Finally, something to dull the pain. I do when my husband's around and he doesn't even notice. He's so entranced with my daughter, he doesn't notice much.

When my lover is here, I feel wanted. It gives me a reason to look forward to time. Right now, I can only see the endless routine of the days. Little sleep, little food (and I don't lose weight!!), exhaustion by 4PM, then I have the hardest part of my day ahead of me. It goes on for hours. Any time by myself is spent fretting about the lack of time. Piles and piles of laundry and dishes and bottles and spilled food. I am so tired, and this is not going to end, not for a long, long time.

Spot on...and lasting gifts from my soul twin

I was absolutely right. The box was filled with papers that I had collected during my teenage years. I had forgotten about all this in any case, and really, I'm just going to toss it all because it is meaningless now. The insult that my father had intended hurt a bit last night, but I feel so much better today. I can picture him crying while he packed the box, acting like I'm dead. Then being angry and threatening me through the airwaves. There was a letter from him, but I ripped it up. I have no wish to engage. Now, THAT'S something completely different.

Funny, all these papers were from my Jewish youth group years. And now that I've been baptized, and I feel so differently, they simply don't mean anything to me. I mean, I remember that time fondly, the friends I made, the closeness I felt toward them, but the Jewishness was never part of my heart. God WAS, but the Jewishness was on the surface. Not at all how I feel about being a Christian.

It's mind-blowing sometimes; I keep thinking about the process of conversion and it had everything to do with my soul twin, the soul who I love and hate at the same time, but who will always be part of me. And he also, on a more earthly plain, came up with the name for my blog (not this one), which is now a vibrant community on a specific topic. It has been thriving lately and I have purchased the domain name. And the title is apt and creative and is a perfect mesh of him and me. He is a fanciful, imaginative man, and I honor that part of him.  Both of these things are like a living piece of him that makes me happy and fills a void in my life. He may be gone, but his soul is still at work with me, and probably always will be.