Freedom of speech applies to all except me...

My mother clearly doesn't understand Internet support. She still gets angry when she asks me WHY I wrote personal thoughts on the Internet, referring to the blog that the rest of the family "discovered." My answer to her is support. And being heard. To be open and honest about what happened to me and the consequences and struggles I now deal with as a result, and to connect with like-minded people. She said she doesn't want to read what I wrote and she doesn't want to know what was in my writings. And that's perfectly fine, and that place is no longer available. THIS is where I seek support now.

My response to her insinuated opinion that this was my fault to begin with is that people have choices--the family members chose to read my postings. And they felt their own reactions in response to their decision. My blog was to help me in recovery. Just as this blog is. I write honestly, with no holds bared, and whoever decides to read it is making a CHOICE. If they are offended or upset by what I say, then they must accept that as a consequence of their decision.

This is the concept of free speech that Americans hold dear. But the concept isn't supposed to apply to me for some reason.

I gave away the family secrets that no one wants to believe or accept. And that is unacceptable to them. So be it.

My therapist encourages me to blog. And continue, I will.

As for my biological father, the reason I give away his gifts to my daughter is that he stated, IN HIS OWN WORDS, that he wanted nothing to do with her and that she will miss out on having him in her life. I won't have my daughter used as a pawn and be played around with. Since he's disowned her, he must live up to his action and not play ANY role in her life.

Ah! Validation!

As I searched the web for informative blogs on the topics of the narcissistic parent, covert incest, and toxic families, I stumbled on this gem: One Angry Daughter

"One Angry Daughter's" situation similar to mine; and as I am accused of being "sick" for having a personal yet anonymous blog, well, I think this blogger and others like us are on the sane side of the aisle. Just look at what happened to her:

Unfortunately, I underestimated their internet search skills and left a path (albeit a convoluted one) right to this blog. As such - I know they have read everything. To anyone who thinks if you can just tell your family members that you think NPD, alcoholism, BPD, etc... are in play and maybe they will get the help they need - let my experience be an example that it may not.

Same here. And our intentions are the same as well:

I hope by sharing my experience I can help others going through a similar situation. I want other DoNMs, ACoNs, ACoAs and other victims of emotional abuse to know it is not their fault and they have the power to walk away from the source of the abuse. Even more importantly - you have the power not to fall down that slippery slope and pass on the abuse to your children.  Having the strength to face your past to become a healthier person can stop the cycle.  

Survivors of emotional abuse thrive in community with each other, especially as we walk away from the source of the abuse, as One Angry Daughter states. It is too easy for us--being already vulnerable to pain inflicted on us-- to feel guilted and shamed into believing that we are the crazy, manipulative, dysfunctional person in the family, that we are making these issues up in our heads. That alone is enough to push us under deep water--the lack of empathy ans validation that comes with this type of treatment by our families of origin.

I welcome connections with other bloggers in this type of situation--please don't hesitate to leave a comment if anything you read here helps or hurts, or you'd like to join together as a  blogging community.

Blogging is "sick"?

 My husband sweetly offered to take the baby and sent me out to the Starbucks cafe, bless his soul. I wanted to write a bit and he understood that.

DH was trying to protect me from the nastiness the family's discovery of my previous blog-and he did a good job. I asked him point blank what was said to him, though, (my husband was dealing with them all so I could focus on my newborn and the ppd), and apparently my brother-in-law said my blog was "sick." Sick? Do you think it was sick? Writing my feelings and impressions in my own web journal is sick? My sister said it was one-sided, without giving my father a chance to defend himself. Well, this is the man who denies any abuse whatsoever. And since when is anyone allowed to comment on and judge someone else's feelings and experiences? My feelings are my own, not to be tossed at anyone's feet to be judged and shamed. Now my mother is telling me that I shouldn't be writing personal things on the web and indirectly implying that this whole business was my fault. And that what happened when I was young was the responsibility of "all of us." Since when was a child responsible for her abuse? I watched my own child as I thought this; I looked in her innocent eyes and the absurdity of that remark made me want to cry.

We had a wonderful visit with my in laws this weekend; everyone was happy and excited about our child. She has wonderful grandparents and great aunts. However, the beauty of this visit brought home the fact that this isn't the case in my own family. I wanted peace with them so much. I tried so hard. And then found out they were spying and tracking me on the web and used what I wrote to "prove" what a sick and demented person I am. My father then said he feels sorry for my daughter because she won't know him. What an ego! How dare he bring my daughter into this. She is innocent. I love her. She is mine, and what she gets to experience is up to me and her, not this man.

I will  never again censor myself just so family secrets can be kept under wraps or because I am shamed into it. This is my medium and I thrive here. I KNOW I am not the only person to keep a personal blog, for crying out loud, and I hope to make friends with people like myself in this forum.

It does feel good to be sitting here, typing my feelings out again. I've missed blogging.