It's too much

I can't concentrate. The depression is very bad. I am doing my best for my daughter, but sometimes I just can't take it. I never imagined raising a child would be so hard; I'm not cut out for it. I would say this is still ppd, but it's been over 14 months now.

No, this is me. Never happy no matter what; even if I get everything I want. When my lover was here, I could disassociate with him; now I have nothing to disappear into. Just me getting sick, little one getting sick, watching my husband be energized and happy. I feel very much on the outside, locked in a glass cage. Sometimes I want to howl with my little one, when she screams, I want to do it, too. I want someone to take care of ME. I'm so exhausted, in every single way. I haven't been able to lose the weight from my pregnancy, I can barely move at the end of each day. My hormones are still a wreck; I have the hunger of pregnancy but I'm NOT! I don't understand what's going on.

I need to say to someone that I have started drinking a little. Sometimes my nerves are so shot, when the fussiness won't stop, when I'm alone with my daughter and I am depressed. I drink whiskey or rum. A swig or two, just enough to put a damper on the despair. I did last night. I did a few nights before. I need to talk to someone, I'm hurting inside, like a sword stabbing me in the the stomach over and over again. I'm back on the seroquel for sleep and anxiety, and I'm afraid I might end up doing something.

I don't understand--everything seems to be going fine. I mean, my daughter is healthy and well-adjusted and on track in every way. My career is going fine, I'm very involved in my other "career" and am doing fantastic things. I have plans for going to New York for a conference next month, then a beach vacation in June, then London in the fall.

So I just don't understand why I want to drive my car into an electric pole. I am fighting the urge physically to do this whenever I'm behind the wheel. I have to be constantly vigilant. And when I discovered whiskey about a month ago, I was so relieved. Finally, something to dull the pain. I do when my husband's around and he doesn't even notice. He's so entranced with my daughter, he doesn't notice much.

When my lover is here, I feel wanted. It gives me a reason to look forward to time. Right now, I can only see the endless routine of the days. Little sleep, little food (and I don't lose weight!!), exhaustion by 4PM, then I have the hardest part of my day ahead of me. It goes on for hours. Any time by myself is spent fretting about the lack of time. Piles and piles of laundry and dishes and bottles and spilled food. I am so tired, and this is not going to end, not for a long, long time.

Self-care is acceptable...and a spiritual kind of love

I attended the PPD support group again last night. One woman told me she experienced a similar situation in which her husband actually left with the baby until she started getting help. I am not alone. And I am getting lots of help-a med increase, I'm starting to see a new therapist with specializes in PPD today, continue to attend the support group, and everyone emphasizes this--self-care. That's been the hardest aspect for me. I consider doing anything to take care of myself as, at the same time, taking love and care AWAY from someone else. That's what I was taught; that's what was modeled for me.

I have been care taking to the point of physical collapse because of this guilt. But it seems to be okay to self-care...dh doesn't have a problem with it, and my daughter is happy when I'm happy. We've had some wonderful times together in the evenings, laughing, playing, teasing each other. She's a little imp, and she's hilarious, when I let myself relax and enjoy her.

So, self-care isn't a bad thing after all. I've even been able to start reading and working on my personal projects again. Dh and I trade off, every other night one of us sleeps in the basement, so we're both relatively refreshed and functioning. We co-sleep, and can't imagine not doing that, but on really tough nights when the little one wakes up more than twice, we are both completely worn out, hence the arrangement. I know there are many opinions on co-sleeping and attachment parenting, but we are advocates of these techniques. And the only evidence we need is our daughter's smiles and laughter and how well adjusted she is when we're NOT with her. She's not clingy, desperate for affection or attention; she's self-assured and extremely social. We directly attribute these characteristics to our parenting style.

I have a memory of being left in a crib to cry myself to sleep and it haunts me. The feeling of abandonment and fear has never gone away. I am convinced this harmed me for the long term, so I will NEVER allow my child to "cry it out" or try this "Ferber" method...She will be loved, day and night. Period.

My husband and I are both actively reacting to our childhoods--we were discussing this last night. He experienced a lack of physical affection and affirmation, a sense of never being special, from his parents; and as for me, being the child of a narcissistic father and depressed mother and covertly incested, well, we know those issues. Dh and I spend time every night after the little love falls asleep talking about how we're handling these issues. Dh says he hopes that in fifteen years, when our little teenager is thriving, that my father is still alive and he can say to him, "THIS is how it's done." Oh my goodness. My dh is living to change the dynamics of my screwed up family. It's been this kind of relationship from the start: he's wanted to take care of me, give me the life I was denied and he can now do that with our child. This kind of love is truly a spiritual love. It goes WAY beyond earthly "love" and THAT is why I can cope with the other shortcomings we experience. No matter how much I go on about lust and my lover, NOTHING in this world can come close to this kind of love. Nothing. 

Update...things are definitely getting better

We upped the dose of the meds. I think it's helping, because I had a decent evening with my little one. I love picking her up at daycare. The look of recognition on her face is priceless and seeing her laugh just sets my heart soaring. It's so up and down, isn't it?

I was chastised by my psychiatrist for letting this get out of control; suffering serves no purpose, she said, unless I enjoy it. I stopped to think about that. Suffering is what I'm comfortable with--enjoyable? No, I would say not. It's more like I believe I don't deserve to be at peace.

Dh does say he understands and wants to support me to the best of his ability. It's funny; I think we're getting tired of the grind and routine and we'd really like to spend quality time together without it revolving around our daughter. That's a change, a lovely change. When dh and I hug or kiss each other in front of our daughter, our 11-month-old SMILES at us! This little human already knows about love! I'm amazed at her intuition already. She points to things she wants, she flips through books and laughs, she's playing with the other babies now, too. This fascinates me: the other day I pick her up at daycare and she is poking and touching this other baby's face. Well, this other baby is just sitting there, smiling at her and letting her do whatever she wants. No fussing, no upset, just patience and a look of sweet amusement. My daughter is enjoying the game and pushing the limits with this little boy...and THIS made me think of me and my husband. The calm, gentle willow tree that puts up with (with mild amusement) the impish antics of his wife. My daughter is a wild child, a wind spirit who will need someone exactly like this little boy beside her later in life. That was quite a heady experience for a mother!


Let's see, the meeting with my lover is in about three weeks and I am having a great time doing some, ahem, shopping...to appease his fetishes (and mine). Which is actually helping dh and I because it's opening up ideas for us, too. I found this amazing shop on Etsy--the young woman makes tatted lace jewelery--NeoVictorain, gorgeous, sexy, sexy, sexy things! Here are a couple of examples (her shop is Decoromana)

I can't believe the gorgeous, professional items on Etsy, and very reasonably priced, too. Why didn't I check this out before??? And get these--mini spats for a pair of amazing black stiletto heels (from BagavondBags )...

Now, is that something or what!!!

And...

Three sisters leather wrist or ankle wrap ( from kristinmalotte--or choker, but I don't need that since a personalized leather collar was his birthday gift to me...)

And then, of course, there's more, but I'll leave it for now : )
He's so much fun; he's hinted he's done some shopping for me, too. I can't believe he and my husband get along, as well. It's very bizarre, out of this world, but fun : )

All very different aspects of my varied, strange, and adventurous life : )

Good news for a change

It's 3am and I can't sleep. I feel very blessed right now-this PPD support group I tried out is absolutely perfect. Exactly what I need. Compassionate moderators, understanding participants, resources that I've desperately needed. A place to cry and express the unsayable without judgment. A warm community of women of all different ages, and we are all experiencing the same thing! I've missed this kind of companionship. I feel so much better just having listened and been heard.

I asked, and God provided, in His own time, yet again.

Not only that, and it would have been more than enough, but dh got an incredible annual review and a substantial raise. Very unexpected in this time of fiscal austerity, and very welcome. We don't have to worry about money so much; that's a huge relief.

When my daughter returned to her daycare today, we found it completely changed for the worse. And yet again, the timing was perfect, for today I signed a contract for a new home daycare that will be so much better for her. Our doctor had told us two weeks ago to get her out of the old one, and a connection of mine recommended her sons' daycare, and there was one opening. Perfect. My pastor was right : ) God is there and opens up the door when needed-not when wanted. I guess God wanted me to experience and learn a lot before deciding these lessons were finished, as usual.

I am grateful. Lost sleep is no big deal in the face of these huge blessings!

PPD strikes again

I found a group. Not the same as before, but something to try, that is more targeted. PPD is serious, my friends. And I didn't realize this is the problem now (yet again). My hormones are a wreck and I've been trying to self-medicate; that's what a lot of this has been. I thought that ten months in, PPD wouldn't be an issue, but it most certainly is. I realized this when, two nights ago, my daughter wouldn't stop crying for four hours. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and my nerves were torn to shreds. I yelled at her. God. I had put her down on the bed and looked at the pillows above her head, and terrifying thoughts began. I can't even write about them without such shame. I decided that I needed to get away, and I went to the basement where my husband was sleeping and wanted to ask him to take over, but he was so peacefully asleep, I just couldn't get myself to wake him. So, I went back up and became very stoic and detached and closed my mind to her cries and tried for the hundredth time to rock her to sleep. Luckily, dh had heard me coming downstairs and raced up to the nursery to see what was going on. He took over and I went to the basement and cried. My fury and anger scared me. I was afraid I had ruined her. I thought for the hundredth time that I should take my own life to protect my daughter's.

He told me I need to get help. I know this. And I am.

How can it be that I love her so much, but I still have these thoughts? She is the happiest, cutest, sweetest baby I could have imagined. What is wrong with me? No, I am not handling motherhood gracefully. I hope she doesn't remember. I want the best best for her, despite myself. Dh warned me that he will take her away if he must. Dh's loyalty is to our daughter, he made that perfectly clear. And I am glad she has such a father. Me, I'm just a wreck and what I need to do is get back on schedule, with work and meetings and talk to my psychiatrist about adjusting meds. I am really scared sometimes.