I'm ready. I am grateful that I have been given this gift, to let the world disappear for a good 16 hours. I can go into my own "space"--the place he takes me to is dark, like these videos, but it is what I desire to be refreshed in body and spirit--be completely taken care of, not worry about anything. Know I am in excellent hands...No fear.
I've been dying to post all weekend, but it's been a rough one. The little one is teething (I didn't know it would be so bad!) and my PPD went to new lows. At the worst of it, I asked dh if he wanted me to leave the house and stay with my mother. I had to leave my daughter's care up to him last night, I simply couldn't cope. I feel horrible about my inability to deal with my little girl at times like this. I am terrified that she's going to remember these times, when I go numb and cold and speak harshly to her. I am grateful that I have a psychiatrist appt tomorrow and I'm going to call this new therapist my support group told me about. I know I need help, and I want to be a kind, gentle, and loving parent. I don't understand why I can't cope. As awful as it sounds, I do much better during the weeks when I work and have those 10 hours away. Then I pick her up from daycare and we spend a pleasant (or fussy) evening together and I can cope. The weekends are awful. There's no respite. Even though dh takes her most of the time, I feel obliged to be around constantly, to be cleaning the house if I'm not taking care of her, or something.
I feel like I am a cold bitch. Uncaring and narcissistic. And of course, you know where that thinking leads. I think most people who know me would say I'm not these things, but I feel like those negative parts that I inherited from my parents are alive and in control right now.
Dh doesn't understand about PPD. He didn't understand the hormonal changes I went through during the pregnancy, or the breastfeeding pain and bond, and now he thinks if I just sleep for a few nights, I'll be fine. Sleep is part of it, of course, but I sometimes think he looks at me as if I'm just making these things up.
I am grateful though, that he is such a wonderful, patient father. I hope that makes up for me not being 100 percent right now.
During the night when my daughter was sleeping and I was awake (can you say insomia!), I did some searching and listening to music again and I found some gems I want to share.
Did you know there's a demo of Marko Saaresto's first solo album out there? This song is incredible for a DEMO! It's beautiful! What an amazing voice, wowwowowowowow!!!
Poets of the Fall mentored a band called Phoenix Effect--and their first album released by POTF's independent label, Insomniac, is striking. You can hear POTF's influence--they collaborated on this album, but at the same time, there's raw talent here, too. Two of their songs: the first, King See No Evil (with Marko) and then A Light to Guide You, something that seems to have more of an independent style from POTF. This stuff is pure gold. Everything POTF touches in any way is pure gold!
