Withdrawal from a person

One more word about this love addiction and then I'll let it go. I never expected to experience physical withdrawal from a person. The Caron time felt like detox, and not only was I emotionally miserable, I also began physical withdrawal, which continued for probably a month after returning. I had heard a lot about alcohol withdrawal at my 12-step meetings, and when I look back on it, that's what was happening. I didn't know the body could react to the withdrawal of another human being as though he were a potent drug (my therapist compares the high and then withdrawal from cocaine), but it's true. I suffered through this list, basically.
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Symptoms of alcohol withdrawal:
Anxiety
Depression
Difficulty thinking clearly
Fatigue
Feeling jumpy or nervous
Feeling shaky
Headache
Insomnia (difficulty falling and staying asleep)
Irritability or excitability
Loss of appetite
Nausea
Pale skin
Palpitations (sensation of feeling the heart beat)
Rapid emotional changes
Sweating, especially on the palms of the hands or the face
Vomiting
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Especially the shaky feeling and sweating, which surprised me. I guess it should have felt familiar, as this is similar to what I experienced during and after my father's visits, but I wasn't able to consciously make the connection at the time. Who can, when you're going through a living hell?

I was unconsciously reliving the intensity and drama of the love-abandonment I experienced when I was younger. That was the bottom line. I had to relive it in order to heal the wounds of the past. It was an integral piece of my recovery puzzle.




Enough now. I have completed this portion of my personal history, and I will allow it to grow old and gather dust in my library of experience.





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This was my utopia

I was involved in an ACoA group for about four years, this breakdown occuring at about the tail end of my time in that group. ACoA is a wonderful support for adult children of alcoholics and non-alcoholics, but those who experienced some kind of indefinable dysfunction, like mine. What I treasured about my group was the openness and honesty of its members. They weren't afraid to talk about the hard things-their hatreds, anger, rage, jealousy, depression...this wasn't a put-on-a-happy-face-and-pretend-everything's-fine group. No, we were honest and REAL. And cried a lot. It was the one place I felt truly listened to. The silence while I talked was healing (I think that might be the most profound aspect of 12-step programs). No advice-offering, no backtalking, just 12 listening pairs of ears. Sometime members teared up as each us spoke our truths. No criticism, no judgements. Pure acceptance. This group accentuated my faith, as this felt like what God's love should be.

Not every group connected like we did. But that's why trying out different groups is crucial; you need to find the group where you fit. These groups have different "personalities."  After four years, the makeup of the group changed- older members dropped out, new members came in and the atmosphere lost its healing power for me. It was time for me to go. I have kept in touch with a couple of my fellow members; they are the people closest to my heart now.

I will write more about ACoA, but I wanted to give a short introduction, in case anyone was wondering what ACoA was all about.