A pagan ritual...and THIS is why people have babies!

My daughter and I connected yesterday in a beautiful manner.  I took her to the mall (I rarely do that, as I emphatically do NOT enjoy this typical American pastime) and pushed her around in her stroller (which I also rarely do, as I "wear" her everywhere), and this little girl was thrilled! The sounds, the sights, the people, the glitter; she simply loved it. And then we sat down to give her a bottle and she ended up laughing (and drinking at the same time!) and playing with my face--yanking my ears, my chin, caressing my cheek and smiling and giggling. As for me, I was loving it, too. So happy, so content. And she is beautiful, absolutely stunning--my round face and luminous eyes; her father's auburn hair, light skin and stunning blue eye color. This afternoon was worth everything. And this is why people have babies : )

Things are getting very intense now, as my "rendezvous" is approaching--less than two weeks to go. We are making plans, mercilessly teasing each other, finishing up our shopping expeditions...for me, I try to make every encounter different. This time, it's all about the details. Those exquisite details from etsy, the collar he gave me, sexy black stiletto heels, tatted lace bracelets from England, and the perfect finishing touch--Italian black stockings with red lace from Papilio. The sales woman helped me pick out the perfect touch : ) Ahhh. I'd already sent him the leather bracelet, just to get his mind racing...he's a very intellectual thinker and planner and these details send him over the edge; I just love it. And as for him, he's actually been making (permanent!) changes to his bedroom just for me, to accommodate my particular tastes. What a treat this will be. Next weekend is my spa day to purify my body; a ritual that I do every time. I feel as though I am preparing for a pagan ritual, and perhaps this is exactly what it is. It feels natural and in touch with the primal forces of nature--last time we were together, the crickets sang (their mating sound) so loudly, almost to match the songs coming from the inside of the house, that he calls me "the woman who speaks cricket" and I call him "the man who makes crickets jealous."

Oh joy!

Ah, Eulogy for Evolution. That really makes me think. 3055 by Ólafur Arnalds, a young Icelandic artist I have just discovered. Beautiful, haunting music. It seems appropriate for my state of mind. Perhaps you can understand.

Having a child is both life and death. Death of one's old life. Birth of another. It took me this long to feel the bright red pulsing of intense love for the little soul who wreaked such havoc in my life. I needed distance until now; I needed 8 hours away every day, an adult focus on adult things. All of the sudden, my heart bloomed like a rose in full flower. Words don't do this feeling justice. Just music.

She smiles at me with compassion, this little soul. She smiles at her daddy with excitement; she smiles at me with COMPASSION. Is this the way I smile at her, mirrored back? Oh God, I am in tears. This compassionate, understanding smile--I have never seen a smile like this, ever. My heart is healing. Each time I look at her, my heart mends another minuscule tear. I know she feels loved. She does not get upset when I leave her in the morning for work. She knows I'm coming back...she knows the evening is all ours!

She has saved my life. Just as my friend foretold. And we've hardly even begun.

Oh life, beautiful life, so full of pain and joy. One cannot exist without the other. The excruciating pain of birth brings with it the exquisite joy of life.