Beautiful

My husband said out of the blue this morning "I was thinking about all this fighting with your family...You are worth fighting for."

Oh my. Let the waterworks begin!

The honest truth.

I've got some soothing jazz on in the background (good old Frank Sinatra) and I'm trying to sort out the big questions running through my mind....now that I've experienced both extremes of the "relationship" spectrum, I am more confused than ever. What is important in this life? What do we really need in our lives? Are we coerced to believe that passion can fulfill the hole deep inside of us or is this something instinctual? Or is this a biological urge? What about romance, what about love? What do our cultures persuade us to believe about this? How much of an effect does marketing and advertising have on what we believe we want?

I honestly don't know. Sex without affection and intimacy feels cold and lonely. Love and romance without much desire feels sad. When I have one, I want the other. When I am in the throes of passion with my lover, the world ceases to exist, but my body desires BOTH physical satisfaction and the closeness that perhaps my hormones crave afterward. I cry every time we finish and I begin to dress to leave. I want him to hold me, to stroke my face and tell me that he cares about me. He does hold me, he does stroke my face, but he says "are you a happy girl?" And I look him straight in the eyes and say yes. He walks me impatiently out the door, where a doormat simply states it all in one word: "leave." I then drive away from his street, pull off to the side and break down in tears. I feel so cold. So alone and empty. He was in me, he left part of him inside me, his body touched mine in the most intimate of caresses, but there's nothing to show for it and I'm driving home alone. The desire and fulfillment was temporary. I ache.

He does not. He is glad to have me out of his home and out of his physical life, not having to deal with any emotion, any "drama," any talk of relationship or feelings. He just moves on, until he wants it again and begins "courting" me like an animal in heat, speaking half-truths that he forgets he ever said after he's been satisfied. I don't understand why I feel a need for something he despises.

At home, my marriage is warm and friendly. Many times, though, we take each other for granted, we move about like ships in the night. When we were dating, he wooed me with ice cream, holding hands, romantic messages. And it's been over 20 years we've been together, and he is a constant presence, mostly comforting, at times annoying, as people tend to be after so long, but steady and true. Dare I even say it, dull. No excitement, no surprises anymore, no tender early mornings, holding each other. Which is why we embarked on this thing in the first place.

So, what do I want? Passion or stability? Is this what happens to all marriages after so long? Are women programmed to want intimacy and desire at once or is this just me?

When I am shopping, I am very cognizant of the sexual theme in product advertising these days. Everything is geared toward "sexy": clothes, makeup, even groceries and bedding! Lean, mostly nude women lounge all over products, and even if the advertising is more subtle, it reeks of sex. In this culture, we are taught to consume in order to entice...we are taught that consuming and exuding sexuality is what we should live for. It is a very powerful message we are being given. It makes stable, mostly content, but somewhat unexciting marriages seem like a bad choice and, I truly feel, encourages low self-esteem and a focus on obtaining the unsustainable high that sexuality offers . It's just one factor among personal choices, of course, but if you have been to America, it will hit in the head like a brick. It is the essence of American consumerist culture.

But the result of consuming for attraction, for seeking pleasure without love, at least for this conflicted woman, is emptiness. Achinesss. And tears, lots of them.

Magic

For some reason, this song makes me feel very sad.

Magic. I know I'm already emotional; I'm swimming in the depths of it right now. Last night was a beautiful evening with my daughter. I love her. I can't state that emphatically enough. We were watching this wii program--aquarium--together, just watching the fish swimming on the screen to the sound of classical music. She leaned against me, rested her head on my bosom and rubbed my arms with her feather-light fingers. She relaxed. I couldn't tell if she was asleep...I smelled her sweet baby scent, stroked her head, and wanted to cry. This was the most intimate moment I've experienced with my daughter since she's become aware. The breastfeeding was intimate, too, but she wasn't aware of the world and choosing me at that time. Tonight, she chose me. She sees me as an important and comforting part of her world! Why does this surprise me? Because of the PPD, my human frailties, my dysfunctions...so many people have chosen not to love me. And it's been so difficult. But last night was worth every second of every pain I've ever experienced.

We are so alike; we have the same feisty spirit and the same stubborn streak. She looks at me out of my own eyes. She has taken on my smile and the way I move my eyebrows, even. But at the same time, she is completely her own person, having her own experience. When I picked her up at daycare yesterday, one of the little boys threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly--my eyes teared up, what sweetness she attracts to herself! How she manages to charm everyone she meets..how her smile lights up her entire self! What a beautiful journey! I am so excited to watch her grow, every day. I feel blessed to be her mother : )

Self-care is acceptable...and a spiritual kind of love

I attended the PPD support group again last night. One woman told me she experienced a similar situation in which her husband actually left with the baby until she started getting help. I am not alone. And I am getting lots of help-a med increase, I'm starting to see a new therapist with specializes in PPD today, continue to attend the support group, and everyone emphasizes this--self-care. That's been the hardest aspect for me. I consider doing anything to take care of myself as, at the same time, taking love and care AWAY from someone else. That's what I was taught; that's what was modeled for me.

I have been care taking to the point of physical collapse because of this guilt. But it seems to be okay to self-care...dh doesn't have a problem with it, and my daughter is happy when I'm happy. We've had some wonderful times together in the evenings, laughing, playing, teasing each other. She's a little imp, and she's hilarious, when I let myself relax and enjoy her.

So, self-care isn't a bad thing after all. I've even been able to start reading and working on my personal projects again. Dh and I trade off, every other night one of us sleeps in the basement, so we're both relatively refreshed and functioning. We co-sleep, and can't imagine not doing that, but on really tough nights when the little one wakes up more than twice, we are both completely worn out, hence the arrangement. I know there are many opinions on co-sleeping and attachment parenting, but we are advocates of these techniques. And the only evidence we need is our daughter's smiles and laughter and how well adjusted she is when we're NOT with her. She's not clingy, desperate for affection or attention; she's self-assured and extremely social. We directly attribute these characteristics to our parenting style.

I have a memory of being left in a crib to cry myself to sleep and it haunts me. The feeling of abandonment and fear has never gone away. I am convinced this harmed me for the long term, so I will NEVER allow my child to "cry it out" or try this "Ferber" method...She will be loved, day and night. Period.

My husband and I are both actively reacting to our childhoods--we were discussing this last night. He experienced a lack of physical affection and affirmation, a sense of never being special, from his parents; and as for me, being the child of a narcissistic father and depressed mother and covertly incested, well, we know those issues. Dh and I spend time every night after the little love falls asleep talking about how we're handling these issues. Dh says he hopes that in fifteen years, when our little teenager is thriving, that my father is still alive and he can say to him, "THIS is how it's done." Oh my goodness. My dh is living to change the dynamics of my screwed up family. It's been this kind of relationship from the start: he's wanted to take care of me, give me the life I was denied and he can now do that with our child. This kind of love is truly a spiritual love. It goes WAY beyond earthly "love" and THAT is why I can cope with the other shortcomings we experience. No matter how much I go on about lust and my lover, NOTHING in this world can come close to this kind of love. Nothing. 

Oh joy!

Ah, Eulogy for Evolution. That really makes me think. 3055 by Ólafur Arnalds, a young Icelandic artist I have just discovered. Beautiful, haunting music. It seems appropriate for my state of mind. Perhaps you can understand.

Having a child is both life and death. Death of one's old life. Birth of another. It took me this long to feel the bright red pulsing of intense love for the little soul who wreaked such havoc in my life. I needed distance until now; I needed 8 hours away every day, an adult focus on adult things. All of the sudden, my heart bloomed like a rose in full flower. Words don't do this feeling justice. Just music.

She smiles at me with compassion, this little soul. She smiles at her daddy with excitement; she smiles at me with COMPASSION. Is this the way I smile at her, mirrored back? Oh God, I am in tears. This compassionate, understanding smile--I have never seen a smile like this, ever. My heart is healing. Each time I look at her, my heart mends another minuscule tear. I know she feels loved. She does not get upset when I leave her in the morning for work. She knows I'm coming back...she knows the evening is all ours!

She has saved my life. Just as my friend foretold. And we've hardly even begun.

Oh life, beautiful life, so full of pain and joy. One cannot exist without the other. The excruciating pain of birth brings with it the exquisite joy of life.

3AM

Does this song remind you of any relationship you've ever had?

It makes me think of the relationships of my youth. When I was alive and awake and exploring new feelings; too busy dreaming to  sleep at night; enjoying long, luxurious love-making nights of passion. Until the night was over and the harsh light of reality dawned.

Two men I almost married, who awoke feelings in me that I couldn't control; who took me to heaven on earth, and who I loved. But who weren't right for me at the end of it all. This song makes me think of them.