God gives and takes away...

I just have to share; I'm excited! This seems to be a pattern with me--when I give someone up, God replaces him with someone to keep me motivated on my journey to Him. The background: when I moved to take this job, I had to leave the church I loved, where I was baptized, and the pastor whose words opened my heart to Jesus. Then, two years later, my pastor left the area to plant another church. Truly, I should have lost touch after both of those changes, but we managed to keep in touch via Facebook for all this time, and he wrote me that he was coming up to this area and although didn't have time to stop, he will be back to visit with me! I can't tell you how much that means to me. My pastor has a million friends and followers, new projects and interests, but he wants to make time for ME! I haven't been able to find another church or pastor so far that fits like ------ Church did, yet.  I am still as dedicated as ever, BUT this really, really helps!

God gives and takes away. 

So simple, yet so profound.

His love endures forever.

 Even for sinners like me.

Never chase...

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having."

And how many years- no, decades-does it take me to learn this lesson? The bottom line of this lesson is self-worth, self-esteem and self-love. Not narcissistic things- but the humble value of a human soul.

Thank you to the person who posted this on Facebook.

ACOA quote for today

..."the power of silence can be devastating for me. It can take me right back to my Mum giving me the silent treatement. Heaven help me ...that was almost worse than being hit."

-from an ACOA forum discussion

Lover versus casual sex

 Is having a lover the same as having casual sex?

"No ma'am, it isn't. A lover you can relax with, explore with, ask for what you want, ask for what they want, and try everything you both want.
As a casual sex thing there isn't the time to learn the things you can with a lover. In my humble opinion anyway."
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/761861#ixzz1aUAWJBx7

This whole relationship started out as a casual sex idea. Signed up on a sex site, put up an ad, as I've said before. We started chatting near the beginning of my tenure on this site. He never expected to meet in person, and by the time I had chosen the first and second encounters and had gone through hell, he was pretty sure we never would. I told him there was no chance; he was better off looking for another tryst. But he stuck around, we chatted for a few years, we became friends, sort of...had a lot of cybersex,  and finally out of the blue, my husband and I were ready to test the waters again. We felt we could trust him, and he was accommodating in every way. We met for the first time on my 40th birthday, and the explosive energy was immediate and overwhelming. I thought that would be it, sadly, really sadly. I cried for weeks afterward. Two years later, though, we have not only kept in touch and but he also rode out my pregnancy with me in a supportive, yet erotic way.  And now, we are lovers, in the above definition of the word, and our hope is to be this to each other for quite a while. I pray this will be the case. Oh women, to have a lover who appreciates a pregnant body is such a blessing. And afterward, even more so. This is a blessing I would wish on any woman who wants it.

I've always wanted to read Lady Chatterley's Lover. Perhaps now is the perfect time. 

I've discovered a new site called "The Experience Project," in which one can talk about any kind of experience they want or have had. I have only looked it over, but it seems to be an honest, open place. Join me there if you like (liliacspring). www.experienceproject.com

Deja vu

I am having a deja vu experience with my lover... Similar words, sentiment, but it's so different. I keep saying to myself "yea, yea, I've heard this all before; same old bullshit" but he's proving me wrong. Each time. His actions speak volumes. I wish I could explain this in more detail, but out of respect, I choose not to. This is an evolution for me; nothing used to be sacred, now I am understanding limits and boundaries and respect, for the other and for myself, really GETTING it, for the first time. I know in psychology-speak this is called having a "corrective experience." He doesn't realize just how corrective this has been for me- he thinks he is simply trying to heal my sexual trauma. I find humility in a man incredibly sexy : )


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Where you least expect...there's someone special

I wake up to the sound of rain upon my sill
Pick up the pieces of my yesterday old thrill
Can I deliver this used up shiver
To how I pronounce my life
And leave it up to faith to go by its own will

Back row to the left
A little to the side
Slightly out of place
Look beyond the light
Where you'd least expect
There's someone special....

And she's here to write her name
On my skin with kisses in the rain
Hold my head and ease my pain
In a world that's gone insane...

Coming up for breath

I saw this quote recently:

There's a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring to your life.

It was nice to see this publically posted and I found it validating. My father sent a birthday card recently. I'm too tired to deal with emotional games, and for the first time in my life, I simply tore the envelope up, without looking at it. I didn't wait for my husband to read it for me, or feel guilty, or even wonder if I was tearing up a check or gift card. I just did it. JUST DID IT. Feels good.

That was number one. My sister did something similar with an email, and I wrote back a quick "thanks" and left it at that. I miss her, but I won't be playing games with her, either. And while I was at this, I decided to prune my "friends" who aren't truly friends. If the ratio of give to receive is tilted too far to either extreme, I've had enough. I really am worn out from being a mother, and I only want people who are able to maintain balance in their lives to be a part of mine. So, I am pruning the list down to the essentials: my wonderful husband, my adorable daughter, my long-time ACOA friends, my dear close relatives, any close friends who can honestly, authentically practice the art of friendship and isn't using me for a specific purpose, and my long-time lover.

Who, by the way, is continuing to shock me. He was standing by, patiently, listening to my crazy stories and understanding what I was going through all this time, over three years, maybe four by now. He's been waiting until I was ready---until WE were ready--and it's as if lightening struck and shook my world. Blessed, blessed release.

A lesson this has taught me is that eloquent words without the fortitude to back them up ring hollow. Quiet depth and patience wins out every time. Never overlook the patient man of few words; there is likely more depth to him that the ocean is deep. As strange and unconventional as this sounds, we are on a carnal journey together, one which has the blessing of my husband, and seems to have been written long before it began.