Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Big, big changes...

I know it's been a long time. I'm rethinking my life, what I need in it and what I need out of it. DH and I decided to stop the hotwifing activity. I haven't told HIM yet, he's still deployed but returning in a few weeks. There are so many, many reasons. I don't want my daughter to emulate me in this, for one. And she's noticing EVERYTHING now. If I come home with a different smell on me, or a bruise or just sadder than normal, she'll react. I would hate to see her do this to herself in the future. Another reason is because I am a human female, meaning I get attached. Sex is glue, and I found myself getting jealous over his past lovers. Big red light to me that I need to stop. I realized this was a pattern repeating itself. The time he called me his "slut" reverberates in my head and I realize that I desire NOT to be treated like anyone's slut anymore. I try not to be ashamed of my sexuality, but this one instance causes me upset. I also think I'm coming out of denial about who he really is. He's a messed up guy, and his heart is frozen solid, and if in the tiniest crevice of my mind, I was hoping he'd fall in love with me, I don't anymore. He's so young, so set in his ways, and views sex as a pornographic affair. That's always been a difference between us: I see sex as intimacy, even hotwife sex, and he wants to live out porn. I think I've done enough. And to top it off, I find run-of-the-mill porn distasteful. Always have.

The thought of sleeping with him again is appealing, but leaving and driving away and crying my heart out because I feel used up and spit out is NOT. Then waiting to hear from him, just a word, aching to hear that I'm not just another slut in his list of 12...

Wanting him so badly that I did STUPID, absolutely MORONIC things like unprotected sex when I know he has an STD; wanting him inside me when I knew I was fertile--anything to capture him, I even wanted his baby (idiotic idea) for a time. I let him have anal sex with me despite the risks. I am scared of how insane I got and I don't really want to lose control like that again.

I'm going to crave him and miss him, yes. One good thing is that I'm on a medication now that dulls my sex drive to barely a whisper. I don't NEED it right now, so I have bought myself some time to get used to the new reality. I don't think dh and I will ever have a vibrant sex life--we haven't had intercourse since the little one was born, and even months before that (she's almost one and a half now), and I will learn how to cope somehow. Who knows what the future will bring. I'm letting myself gain some weight, eat comfortingly, and be the plump little spouse dh is happy with. We'll see what happens from here.