Learned desperation

Now I know where I learned to use desperation and contradiction in my personal relationships. Of course. My father. He modeled these behaviors quite vividly, and I picked them up, him being my father and role model when I was a child. I realized just now that I enter the same panic mode when being ignored that he does. Only his acting out field is with his eldest daughter, while mine is with lovers. Definitely food for thought.

I say this because his correspondence is becoming more frequent now--I am sensing the panic--he jumps from angry to fearful and back again. The last correspondence that I talked about was the box of old memories he was "getting rid of." Well, yesterday, came a Hallmark card. Presumably for Mother's Day (I don't even open letters these days). That was less than two weeks between correspondences. He tried the disowning tactic, then the anger and guilt, then the "go around me to get to my daughter" tactic, and now, something different, I am assuming. It reminds me of my childhood a lot. Anger, silence, ignoring, then love and affection through different venues. This echos of the same thing but through other media.

I couldn't ignore him before, obviously, as I was living under his roof, but now, I am free to do so. And the more I ignore, the more correspondence he's sending, the more panicked he's getting, the more "clingy" he's becoming. His major mistake here was assuming that I care now. I did care, desperately, before, and was constantly being crushed by his demands--holding his affection hostage until I did what he wanted. Now, though, he can hold back, threaten, guilt, etc as much as he wants and I'm not listening. I don't need to. But I am observing his actions, and they remind me of what I have been doing in my sex life. This would be the arena in which I play out this drama, not surprisingly, given the covert incest. There's the connection I've been trying to make all this time.

My behavior toward my lover has been reward-based, angry at times, and trying to arouse guilt to get what I want. He completely ignores all of it : )  Which I love, deep down, because it forces me to look at my actions and grow up. With my "soul twin," my actions were so much worse--the same things, but amplified. I would throw "tantrums," threaten to abandon him if he didn't act the way I wanted him to, claim that I was the best friend he'd ever have, be there for him so much I humiliated myself, then become resentful...and then repeat the cycle over and OVER and OVER. He also was like this. Get two people with the same dysfunctional behaviors together and you have the perfect storm.

Dad and I were the perfect storm until I got the courage to let go. I miss having a dad in my life, but every time he acts out, I remember what my ragged body and mind went through all those years, and I don't miss this particular dad THAT much.

The same goes for my soul twin. I'll always be grateful for the experience, and ironically, I'm attending the same therapy retreat this weekend as I did when I was struggling with him a few years back. It will be so different this time--my focus is now on being the mother I need to be and all that goes along with it. It will be intense, but different intense, and I am looking forward to it.

Freedom of speech applies to all except me...

My mother clearly doesn't understand Internet support. She still gets angry when she asks me WHY I wrote personal thoughts on the Internet, referring to the blog that the rest of the family "discovered." My answer to her is support. And being heard. To be open and honest about what happened to me and the consequences and struggles I now deal with as a result, and to connect with like-minded people. She said she doesn't want to read what I wrote and she doesn't want to know what was in my writings. And that's perfectly fine, and that place is no longer available. THIS is where I seek support now.

My response to her insinuated opinion that this was my fault to begin with is that people have choices--the family members chose to read my postings. And they felt their own reactions in response to their decision. My blog was to help me in recovery. Just as this blog is. I write honestly, with no holds bared, and whoever decides to read it is making a CHOICE. If they are offended or upset by what I say, then they must accept that as a consequence of their decision.

This is the concept of free speech that Americans hold dear. But the concept isn't supposed to apply to me for some reason.

I gave away the family secrets that no one wants to believe or accept. And that is unacceptable to them. So be it.

My therapist encourages me to blog. And continue, I will.

As for my biological father, the reason I give away his gifts to my daughter is that he stated, IN HIS OWN WORDS, that he wanted nothing to do with her and that she will miss out on having him in her life. I won't have my daughter used as a pawn and be played around with. Since he's disowned her, he must live up to his action and not play ANY role in her life.

Quick post

Facebook. A wonderful connecting resource, but at the same time, so much more information than a person may want to know!

The only way I can keep in touch with lover is through Facebook. I really don't want to know too much, I start getting jealous and uncomfortable. There's a woman there, her photo is very sexy. I will bet she's one of his women. I don't know if he still sees anyone from that time on the sex site but I really don't want to know. My stomach really hurts when I look to see how he's doing.
Well, stop looking, right? I'm trying. Oh my goodness, though, if he's had her why is he sleeping with me? I'm nothing, really I'm nothing. Compared to these sexy, long legged beauties I'm a lump of clay. I feel sick.
I had this feeling with my soul twin, too. One particular woman who I felt in extreme competition with. She posted a mostly naked photo of herself there and he wrote a response- something like "who is missing in this photo." It killed me. I think I decided to block him after that.
Oh but now I'm older and my body isn't the way it used to be. Old and used and in my depressed moods, I think about just disappearing. Its going to end and Im frightened. God, he only just turned 30!!! I'm so scared and I'm can't quite place my finger on it...

Better...

I'm doing better. Not sure quite what happened- something clicked in my head, partially caused by new development in my daughter. She's suddenly becoming communicative! She actually calls me "mommie"!!! Oh my goodness, something about that woke me up, this child (no longer a baby) needs me! She wants my arms around her at night, she loves cuddling, she depends on me. She woke me up last night by tapping on my shoulder and saying "mommie--ba!" (translation: I want a bottle). And smiled at me. My GOD, this is a sentient being!!! She speaks to me! She asks for what she wants! WOW! I never thought I would have a two-way relationship with this being; it's been all exhausting care taking up until now. I'm absolutely stunned.

I think for the first time in my life, I feel like I am crucial in someone's life. First time. Husbands can eventually divorce you. Lovers get bored. Parents and siblings hurt and desert you. Friends, they come and go. And maybe my daughter will too someday, but we have a relationship now. Right now. I love our nights. We cuddle all night. She drapes herself across me. She kisses my stomach. She pulls my hair and ears and pinches my nose and we laugh and laugh! She is the reason I am working to get better now. Taking my meds, going to a therapy program soon, and working things out. I haven't touched the whiskey in three, maybe four days now. I don't want to do that to her.