My little pixe-elf

What a beautiful child my daughter is. A witty, funny, feisty personality--a hot-blooded redhead of extreme temperament! How perfectly fitting for the child of an anti-authoritarian rebel of a father and an unconventional, emotional, and mercurial mother. A little Celtic pixie-elf. She is stunning. I adore this child to death. And oh, is she going to be a handful later. She already smiles a knowing grin with me and a coy smirk with her daddy; she knows who will play what role in her life.  Strong little Aquarius. No man will ever take advantage of her. She will be the heart breaker; oh yes, she will! And mommy will sit back and watch, with a contented, smug expression of relief on her face : )

"With silence comes peace. With peace comes freedom. With freedom comes silence." POTF

It is possible to make a life. Even for the most distraught of us. Even for those of us who had a rough start. Even for those who are going through the most horrendous trials.

Maya (pseudonym) is struggling with cancer. She is the sweetest, most giving person I could ever imagine meeting. Her life took a drastic turn when she discovered her disease. She didn't tell me until months after my daughter was born, for fear of causing me distress. Causing ME distress? Oh my, I wish she had not made that choice. I remember sitting across from her, holding my huge belly, eating pizza together. She was quieter than usual, and drank only warm water. I wish she had told me then. I visited her recently when she found out her prognosis didn't look good. She is the most beautiful person--a radiance was shining from her like I've never seen before. Her wall was covered with well wishes. She had long ago lost her hair, but she is beautiful. She's had spiritual experiences along this painful journey that she said help her be accepting of what is. She is at peace, although in pain and under the spell of the unknown. How this can be, I don't know, but she is my hero.

Jack (pseudonym) has made a life for himself. He was lost, but made decisions that led to stability and security. He is self-sufficient and independent and he works hard at bettering himself everyday. He's been advancing through school, bit by bit, with a full-time job and more, diligently practicing patience and discipline. He never had it easy and takes life as it is. He has my respect.

Josephine (pseudonym) recently lost her husband at a tragically young age. An unexpected, horrific tragedy. She tended to pregnant women, assisting them through their pregnancies and was trying to have her own child. She is strong, and in deep distress. What to do now, what choices to make, where to go when your whole world is ripped apart. I don't know how she gets through the days, but she does. I simply hold her and cry with her. My daughter's was the last birth she attended before this happened. She has my torn up heart.

Natalie (pseudonym) has a new baby, but is suffering with loneliness and uncertainty--the difficulties of being isolated at a time when it takes a village. I met her one day, shopping for baby items. We talked for a long time in the aisle, exchanged addresses, and fall on each other for support. She has my admiration for being open and willing to allow strangers into her life.

Warning: This blog contains adult content

I've been commenting on other blogs lately, and in case someone wanders over here, I need to say that this blog contains adult content. I don't blog consistently about motherhood; my focus is on mental health, addiction and recovery, and controversial experiences. I may be a mother now, but I was a dysfunctional human being first, and still struggle. Continuing to push through and anonymously write about these experiences helps me keep balance in my own life and be a stable, open, and loving mother. 

A simple but profound truth

Another simple, yet profound truth:

Sometimes, we have to be broken down so that we can be rebuilt into what we're actually meant to be. 

This has been the story of my life. And yours, too, I would imagine. Why do you think we, victims of various types of abuse, live through these experiences? So we can become the people we are meant to be, at the end of it all.

Bless you all on your continuing journeys toward recovery.

God gives and takes away...

I just have to share; I'm excited! This seems to be a pattern with me--when I give someone up, God replaces him with someone to keep me motivated on my journey to Him. The background: when I moved to take this job, I had to leave the church I loved, where I was baptized, and the pastor whose words opened my heart to Jesus. Then, two years later, my pastor left the area to plant another church. Truly, I should have lost touch after both of those changes, but we managed to keep in touch via Facebook for all this time, and he wrote me that he was coming up to this area and although didn't have time to stop, he will be back to visit with me! I can't tell you how much that means to me. My pastor has a million friends and followers, new projects and interests, but he wants to make time for ME! I haven't been able to find another church or pastor so far that fits like ------ Church did, yet.  I am still as dedicated as ever, BUT this really, really helps!

God gives and takes away. 

So simple, yet so profound.

His love endures forever.

 Even for sinners like me.

Never chase...

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having."

And how many years- no, decades-does it take me to learn this lesson? The bottom line of this lesson is self-worth, self-esteem and self-love. Not narcissistic things- but the humble value of a human soul.

Thank you to the person who posted this on Facebook.

ACOA quote for today

..."the power of silence can be devastating for me. It can take me right back to my Mum giving me the silent treatement. Heaven help me ...that was almost worse than being hit."

-from an ACOA forum discussion

Lover versus casual sex

 Is having a lover the same as having casual sex?

"No ma'am, it isn't. A lover you can relax with, explore with, ask for what you want, ask for what they want, and try everything you both want.
As a casual sex thing there isn't the time to learn the things you can with a lover. In my humble opinion anyway."
http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/761861#ixzz1aUAWJBx7

This whole relationship started out as a casual sex idea. Signed up on a sex site, put up an ad, as I've said before. We started chatting near the beginning of my tenure on this site. He never expected to meet in person, and by the time I had chosen the first and second encounters and had gone through hell, he was pretty sure we never would. I told him there was no chance; he was better off looking for another tryst. But he stuck around, we chatted for a few years, we became friends, sort of...had a lot of cybersex,  and finally out of the blue, my husband and I were ready to test the waters again. We felt we could trust him, and he was accommodating in every way. We met for the first time on my 40th birthday, and the explosive energy was immediate and overwhelming. I thought that would be it, sadly, really sadly. I cried for weeks afterward. Two years later, though, we have not only kept in touch and but he also rode out my pregnancy with me in a supportive, yet erotic way.  And now, we are lovers, in the above definition of the word, and our hope is to be this to each other for quite a while. I pray this will be the case. Oh women, to have a lover who appreciates a pregnant body is such a blessing. And afterward, even more so. This is a blessing I would wish on any woman who wants it.

I've always wanted to read Lady Chatterley's Lover. Perhaps now is the perfect time. 

I've discovered a new site called "The Experience Project," in which one can talk about any kind of experience they want or have had. I have only looked it over, but it seems to be an honest, open place. Join me there if you like (liliacspring). www.experienceproject.com

Deja vu

I am having a deja vu experience with my lover... Similar words, sentiment, but it's so different. I keep saying to myself "yea, yea, I've heard this all before; same old bullshit" but he's proving me wrong. Each time. His actions speak volumes. I wish I could explain this in more detail, but out of respect, I choose not to. This is an evolution for me; nothing used to be sacred, now I am understanding limits and boundaries and respect, for the other and for myself, really GETTING it, for the first time. I know in psychology-speak this is called having a "corrective experience." He doesn't realize just how corrective this has been for me- he thinks he is simply trying to heal my sexual trauma. I find humility in a man incredibly sexy : )


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Where you least expect...there's someone special

I wake up to the sound of rain upon my sill
Pick up the pieces of my yesterday old thrill
Can I deliver this used up shiver
To how I pronounce my life
And leave it up to faith to go by its own will

Back row to the left
A little to the side
Slightly out of place
Look beyond the light
Where you'd least expect
There's someone special....

And she's here to write her name
On my skin with kisses in the rain
Hold my head and ease my pain
In a world that's gone insane...

Coming up for breath

I saw this quote recently:

There's a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring to your life.

It was nice to see this publically posted and I found it validating. My father sent a birthday card recently. I'm too tired to deal with emotional games, and for the first time in my life, I simply tore the envelope up, without looking at it. I didn't wait for my husband to read it for me, or feel guilty, or even wonder if I was tearing up a check or gift card. I just did it. JUST DID IT. Feels good.

That was number one. My sister did something similar with an email, and I wrote back a quick "thanks" and left it at that. I miss her, but I won't be playing games with her, either. And while I was at this, I decided to prune my "friends" who aren't truly friends. If the ratio of give to receive is tilted too far to either extreme, I've had enough. I really am worn out from being a mother, and I only want people who are able to maintain balance in their lives to be a part of mine. So, I am pruning the list down to the essentials: my wonderful husband, my adorable daughter, my long-time ACOA friends, my dear close relatives, any close friends who can honestly, authentically practice the art of friendship and isn't using me for a specific purpose, and my long-time lover.

Who, by the way, is continuing to shock me. He was standing by, patiently, listening to my crazy stories and understanding what I was going through all this time, over three years, maybe four by now. He's been waiting until I was ready---until WE were ready--and it's as if lightening struck and shook my world. Blessed, blessed release.

A lesson this has taught me is that eloquent words without the fortitude to back them up ring hollow. Quiet depth and patience wins out every time. Never overlook the patient man of few words; there is likely more depth to him that the ocean is deep. As strange and unconventional as this sounds, we are on a carnal journey together, one which has the blessing of my husband, and seems to have been written long before it began.