Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Music for moods





Just wanted to share more music finds. The Default song is rather emotional--actually, they both are, just in different ways. Very angsty. I don't feel particularly angsty at the moment, but there is always that deep seated well of angst to tap into...

I'm actually doing decently. Caring for my daughter on my own while dh is traveling--it certainly takes up my time and brain space. The more I have to do, the better. Not to mention the most important aspect of all--that I adore this child! She is amazing in every way, and I never felt love like this before.

Monday, February 27, 2012

What he means to me...

I took down my previous post, the "introduction," because I felt uncomfortable being that revealing. I lost one follower, and I suspect that was because the person felt the post was inappropriate. And it probably was. You see, that's what happens when I get carried away! Sometimes it takes mistakes to get me back on track. I think, also, my lover was excited to learn that I was telling the world about us, and he doesn't mind sharing that kind of thing, and, of course, I wanted to please him. But, you know what--at the end of the day, this is MY blog and I am about recovery and unconventional lifestyles...but not without boundaries. So, here's a rewritten version, a bit more  poetic, that describes what my lover is to me. 


I still can't believe he wants ME. I have to shake myself sometimes to be reminded that this IS real.  I love that he works with his hands; they are so very talented. I love the rough sound of his voice and his creative mind. He's such an intriguing combination of logic and creativity, which leads to incredible experimentation during our times together--and the most intensely erotic fantasies I've ever read. The one problem we have is that we suck each other dry...We sap each others' energy (speaking for myself, I tend to get physically ill or, lately, go into shock after our meetings), so frequent meetings are not prudent. If I weren't already convinced about the power of the body's energy fields, I would be now. I did see a man's aura once during sex; that was completely different. I don't see anything with him; I FEEL the power. It overtakes me, every part of me, the moment I step into his presence. And I can feel it through his words, in emails, chats, etc. But the energy in person, that is on a whole other level of intensity.  

There's so much I want to do with him still. The list is almost endless (and repetitive!), but if I died tomorrow, I would be satisfied.

This relationship is the most physical I have ever experienced. He's taken me to the deep, dark places I couldn't even imagine before I met him. We don't speak many words when we're together, but our bodies and sounds tell the most erotic and sensual stories. I don't have to say how much I want him or how I feel when he touches me. Years of pent up longing are expressed without a word. His commands compel me to obey; they melt and thrill me. He concentrates deeply as he ties intricate knots with ropes that bind me, and simply watching him in this meditative state is enough. I allow him into places secret and forbidden and am rewarded with such pleasure. I love to touch him with the water pouring over us; in my mind, we are not in a shower, we are standing in the rain and he is slowly stripping me, enjoying each layer as it slips off my body...He moves in me, he fits perfectly, I feel him throb, the warmth and strength of his body press on mine and the divide between reality and fantasy disappears. I become another woman, the one who throbs and pulses and beats to his rhythm.  When we are skin to skin, no matter what we are attempting, I am in bliss. I open up to him like a spring flower. "All too easy," he chides, but I do not want to play hard-to-get with him; I am eager and happy to give all I have.


Sunday, February 19, 2012

The honest truth.

I've got some soothing jazz on in the background (good old Frank Sinatra) and I'm trying to sort out the big questions running through my mind....now that I've experienced both extremes of the "relationship" spectrum, I am more confused than ever. What is important in this life? What do we really need in our lives? Are we coerced to believe that passion can fulfill the hole deep inside of us or is this something instinctual? Or is this a biological urge? What about romance, what about love? What do our cultures persuade us to believe about this? How much of an effect does marketing and advertising have on what we believe we want?

I honestly don't know. Sex without affection and intimacy feels cold and lonely. Love and romance without much desire feels sad. When I have one, I want the other. When I am in the throes of passion with my lover, the world ceases to exist, but my body desires BOTH physical satisfaction and the closeness that perhaps my hormones crave afterward. I cry every time we finish and I begin to dress to leave. I want him to hold me, to stroke my face and tell me that he cares about me. He does hold me, he does stroke my face, but he says "are you a happy girl?" And I look him straight in the eyes and say yes. He walks me impatiently out the door, where a doormat simply states it all in one word: "leave." I then drive away from his street, pull off to the side and break down in tears. I feel so cold. So alone and empty. He was in me, he left part of him inside me, his body touched mine in the most intimate of caresses, but there's nothing to show for it and I'm driving home alone. The desire and fulfillment was temporary. I ache.

He does not. He is glad to have me out of his home and out of his physical life, not having to deal with any emotion, any "drama," any talk of relationship or feelings. He just moves on, until he wants it again and begins "courting" me like an animal in heat, speaking half-truths that he forgets he ever said after he's been satisfied. I don't understand why I feel a need for something he despises.

At home, my marriage is warm and friendly. Many times, though, we take each other for granted, we move about like ships in the night. When we were dating, he wooed me with ice cream, holding hands, romantic messages. And it's been over 20 years we've been together, and he is a constant presence, mostly comforting, at times annoying, as people tend to be after so long, but steady and true. Dare I even say it, dull. No excitement, no surprises anymore, no tender early mornings, holding each other. Which is why we embarked on this thing in the first place.

So, what do I want? Passion or stability? Is this what happens to all marriages after so long? Are women programmed to want intimacy and desire at once or is this just me?

When I am shopping, I am very cognizant of the sexual theme in product advertising these days. Everything is geared toward "sexy": clothes, makeup, even groceries and bedding! Lean, mostly nude women lounge all over products, and even if the advertising is more subtle, it reeks of sex. In this culture, we are taught to consume in order to entice...we are taught that consuming and exuding sexuality is what we should live for. It is a very powerful message we are being given. It makes stable, mostly content, but somewhat unexciting marriages seem like a bad choice and, I truly feel, encourages low self-esteem and a focus on obtaining the unsustainable high that sexuality offers . It's just one factor among personal choices, of course, but if you have been to America, it will hit in the head like a brick. It is the essence of American consumerist culture.

But the result of consuming for attraction, for seeking pleasure without love, at least for this conflicted woman, is emptiness. Achinesss. And tears, lots of them.








Saturday, February 18, 2012

Amazing night...

Another amazing night. Even better, and I thought it couldn't get any better. He made me wait outside the door for so long that I went back to my car and texted him that I was about to go home. Then he said, "the door is unlocked, you know where the shower is, I will be waiting for you." The same as before: I step inside, lock the door behind me, go upstairs to the master bedroom. Quiet. Two candles, jasmine scented, burning next to the bed. I walk into the bathroom, another jasmine candle, throwing soft light into the darkness. I close the door. It's been a long day, I am relieved to have these few moments to catch my breath. I step into the shower and start to relax. The door slowly opens and I peek out of the curtain, he's there, laying out items for me to wear--his collar, the red and black stockings, stilletto heels...he passionately kisses me and leaves. I take my time, enjoying the sensual darkness, the feel of the warm water running over me, the anticipation of delights to come...

We made love many times in the afternoon, the evening, deep in the night and into the morning. It was different, so very different than before. Calmer, softer, warmer, lingering, but desire burning so hot it couldn't be stopped; my cries and growls grew to match his; our eyes locked, intensely, not letting go. We slept in each others' arms; we awoke to yearning and quenched it. I awoke at times to feel his large, strong hand wrapped around my neck, and followed his commands. All I needed was his voice in my ear and his hand wrapped around my throat...so much desire, so much need from both of us, such yearning to quench each others' passion.

Earlier in the evening, he took me out to dinner for the first time. Strange to enter the world outside his bed together...eventually, we talked and laughed and simply enjoyed each other's company. After dinner, too much desire to contain...his hand on my knee, between my legs, everywhere as we got "lost" in his car, and I was finally able to give him the pleasure he's been craving from me...


Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Birth Day

Today is one year. My daughter was born one year ago. She is beautiful, vibrant, healthy, perfect. The first year was terribly difficult, but I find myself missing my newborn, just a little. I am sad. And I am glad.

I went through 12 hours of hard labor, an emergency c-section, and two blood transfusions: pain and suffering for the best cause I could possibly live for. My daughter is a perfect fusion of my husband and me, and I can't imagine having a child any other way.

I am grateful that I know who my true friends are; the ones who stood by me during the hardest year of my life. My husband, my mother, my lover. Friends from recovery. Our doula. These are the people who never ran away when I was suffering and who endured despite how difficult I was at times.

C, if you are still here, I thought you would have been one of those. I did push you away, but when had that stopped you before? My hormones were a wreck, but I have accepted all.  I have learned through this that I want you in my life, but I don't need you. I am growing older and wiser, and hope for this blessing for you, too.

My brother-in-law is my greatest disappointment, and I had thought he loved me. I was shocked at his betrayal during my first week postpartum. That endures, and his son and my daughter will be the sadder for it. I don't know if I can ever forgive what he did.

And so, we begin a new stage. Toddlerhood and motherhood. My sweet child calling me "mama" and lifting her arms to be picked up. Grabbing my ears and laughing when I tickle her belly. Long nights of snuggling when she can't sleep. It's the good stuff life is made of. I'm finding it hard to remember my life before her.


Monday, February 13, 2012

Freeze time...

Please, freeze time. Don't let this moment pass. I am content.

My child is one year old. She crawls, laughs, talks, points, and hugs. I rocked her to sleep and cried from happiness.

My husband is comforting and loving. His embrace calms me. 

My lover is intimate. He holds my lust in his strong, capable hands.

I need nothing else.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

A deep well

I want to share this haunting poem from a gem of a blog I just happened to "stumble on" (although I believe we never truly "stumble" on to anything!)  http://willspirit.com/2010/06/.  (image of the well also from willspirit's blog)

          
BEGINNINGS
The first three breaths after the last tremor of orgasm.
The first sixty seconds after the argument’s final howl.
The silence echoing the phone call that said,

“Your father died last night.”
The heart’s gallop when a future lover smiles in your direction.
The feral cries of an infant after deliverance from the birth canal.
Soon…
The world reforms itself.
The second hand starts moving.



We've been "debriefing" . . . it's always helpful to know what steps to take next or what to back away from. He said he was afraid I had gone into shock in the middle of the night, and that is exactly what happened (I didn't have a term for it). I became so cold--as in standing in outside naked in the Arctic circle type of cold--he wrapped me in three blankets and held me as I shivered, as my body went cold and numb and extreme nausea rushed through me; he whispered to me, he cradled me like a baby until my body started to warm up.  All I knew is that my body could not handle one second more of intensity.


With each release of orgasm after orgasm, grief gushed up from deep places; immense sadness without words, without a name. Swimming in a sea of sadness, he was the anchor. He accepts my need for release, for catharsis, with no judgment. He doesn't need to know why and I don't need to explain. We share a silent acceptance of all things sexual and our reactions to them. I don't understand where the grief comes from or why it only comes up when I'm with him. When I'm with my husband, it is simply sweet pleasure. I don't understand, but it is.

During the night, he held my hand between his two, as if surrounding a precious jewel with strong walls or safely protecting a tiny, innocent creature. He did not let go of me for a moment, not even in his sleep. What a precious, beautiful gift he is.









Wednesday, February 8, 2012

More thinking and connecting with the covert incest...

NO ABANDONMENT:
I have not been abandoned. I don't know where this fear comes from. Actually, one circumstance comes to mind: this person asked me to let him know I got home safely that night, but he didn't respond for a week-- and then only to stupidly lie that his power was out for a week. Since then, I don't trust men in these situations at all. They want what they want and then, who could care less; it's all lip service.

And that is just the surface issue. The deeper issue, once again, goes straight back to the covert incest. I know it must sound like a leap to connect these sexual encounters with covert incest in my past, but it makes sense to me when I look at it from a distance. The extreme fear of abandonment, the desire to please men (in whatever way),  the willingness to break boundaries...I'm not saying I regret this weekend, or any other time with my lover. I'm just aware in the back of my mind that, perhaps why he is so interested in me right now is because I allow more than other women do, that my boundaries are more porous, and I am willing to do most anything for his pleasure--all the "symptoms" are right there.



MORAL ISSUES:
Yes, I'm struggling with deciding if what I'm doing is right or wrong.  Having a lover, sanctioned though it is. Yes, becoming a mother has made me think twice. And yes, I know judgments abound about this issue.

I hate to think about what I would feel if I found out my daughter was doing exactly what I am doing. I would be critical and judgmental. Or maybe not; I don't really know. If I could understand what was in her head, I would probably be able to accept it.

From inside my head, it goes like this: I need to be validated, I need to feel desirable, and my husband honestly doesn't mind, for whatever reason. If he minded, I would not do it. If I were self-assured and content, I would not do it. If my sexual tastes were not so inflamed and specific, I would not do it. When I lose this lover, I don't want to go through the degrading, exhausting process of finding another.

I felt a deep sense of shame as I kissed my daughter goodbye for the night. My husband winked at me, told me to have fun. There's a dichotomy there that I can't quite reconcile.

On the positive side, last night my husband told me I look so young--that I look good. I guess that's what this lover does for me, too. Refreshed, relaxed, as good as a day at the spa. I wish I could find someone to talk to who also shares this lifestyle. That would definitely help.


PROCESSING:
I've been thinking a lot about (we call this "processing") the events of Saturday night. This was the first time he--anyone, really (except my dh)--wanted to please me as much as I wanted to please him. He made it very special, in the way he knows how. Many women complain because men just aren't sensually based and atmosphere-sensitive like we are; and men are proud that they have made a huge leap when they do one simple thing that women take for granted. Women tend to dismiss the effort because it doesn't live up to their expectations or what comes naturally to them. Does that make sense?

I don't think these things come naturally to him, but he actually wore his uniform and tried to add a little romance...he was definitely thinking about what would please me. That makes me so happy.  I realize what a huge statement these efforts were and I appreciate them simply because they were thoughtful and meant he had been listening and thinking and considering all this time.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Fire like no other...

I learned something Saturday night: if you play with fire, you will eventually get burned. I don't even know where to start. Intimacy, yes; fear, yes; loss of control...I thought he was made of steel, he could keep in control of himself and any situation. I was wrong. Just because someone is a master at Tai Kwan Do doesn't mean he is the master of his desires. We are both insanely compulsive and insanely human.

We overstepped a boundary, one we had set for ourselves. I am terrified--is this it? Is it over?  I don't know anything, I can't say what's going to happen or what he's thinking.

It was a fantastically erotic 17 hours. More new explorations, and I felt so comfortable with him that I let my guard down. I should have known; I can't do that without consequences. At 9:30am he was ready for me to go. So I left. He was watching me like a hawk as he led me away from his bedroom, down the stairs, and out of his house; I don't know why.

When I arrived, he texted me. I entered his house, locked the door behind me and followed his instructions. I walked into the master bedroom where the atmosphere was just right. This was definitely different--a candle in the dark, the stars and the earth in the background on the screen...silence for a few excrutiatingly long minutes. Then, a slight creaking of the stairs. Stealthy. He entered the room in his uniform, just the way he knows I like it. And it began.

He managed to accomplish all his goals. He turned me into a quivering, crying, moaning ball on his bed all afternoon and night, begging not to be touched at the end; he relaxed me into sleep; and in the morning in a desirous haze, we breached the boundary.  Everything he had ever wanted to do with me, in these four years of waiting. What is left now? For me, desire for him is never-ending. I do not know what is in his head. I am satisfied yet longing for more; terrified of abandonment after giving him the ultimate prize...

I did not think this would happen.





Friday, February 3, 2012

No fear.

"Her Alone" Amorphis.



"No Fear" The Rasmus.


I'm ready. I am grateful that I have been given this gift, to let the world disappear for a good 16 hours. I can go into my own "space"--the place he takes me to is dark, like these videos, but it is what I desire to be refreshed in body and spirit--be completely taken care of, not worry about anything. Know I am in excellent hands...No fear.




My lucky star;  my Marko Saaresto : )


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Great adventures!

I am returning to Europe at last! I am so excited, I can hardly sit still, even though it's eight months away! I was planning to attend a conference in New York City and then some colleagues brought this conference to my attention, with the sentiment: "Why would you go to New York when you can go to LONDON!!!" But OF COURSE!  So, I spoke with a friend of mine in London, who recommended a quaint, cozy hotel in the center of everything..BOOKED! This is going to be amazing--I don't want to say much about what my field of expertise is to preserve anonymity, but this is something I've been wanting to do for a long time! It's a personal hobby, but I take it very seriously; all of us in this field do. I'm going to be hobnobbing with all sorts of "famous" people, (in a way), how fun! DH will come with me if he can, but I secretly believe he'd be just as happy having a week of father-daughter time without me : )

Oh, I have missed Europe. My husband might have to search for me, as I may not return of my own volition.

So, this has been a good week so far. And tomorrow's Friday. One day until my rendezvous...we've gone completely silent now. It's part of the ritual. And when I arrive on his doorstep, he's going to wait an unbearably long time to open the door, and probably watch me squirm uncomfortably from the peephole...that's how it begins, at least from experience. Last time, he must have been laughing at me, as I burst my way into his hallway and immediately jumped him. He didn't stop me though, although he promised to this time : ) This is going to be grand fun.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Anticipation...


The time is getting close and, of course, I am sick. Just a cold, which I won’t let stop me, but I started to wonder if this wasn’t destined to be…the forecast looked to be snow on Saturday and I have a bit of a drive. But no, it will be a perfectly mild day, and I’ve only got a mild cold : ) I will be there.

I found out he will be deploying soon. I really want to see him before he goes, to leave good memories to take with him. He asked me what my favorite scent is, and this is a HUGE change. Last time, he didn’t do anything special for our meeting. He answered the door in his sweats, as if he wasn’t expecting much. He got A LOT more than he expected! But this time, like I said, he’s been making “modifications” to his bedroom, he’s been “shopping” a lot it sounds like, and he asked about scent. He’s been doing a lot of work! Something huge changed after the last meeting. He’s very wishy-washy about it; insinuating that I’m the only one…saying he’s “not going anywhere,” but at the same time reminding me not to get obsessed, that my family comes first. We argued about that one a bit—what is a single, younger guy doing telling ME how to prioritize my life!! Obvious, I have my priorities in the right place. That was overstepping the boundary. 

I’m not at all used to this. He seems perfectly content being a single bachelor, no interpersonal responsibilities. But at the same time, he does want a feminine presence in his life somehow—I asked him what our night would look like if he could choose (he never tells me what he wants), and he said he would like me to come Saturday afternoon and stay the night, leave in the morning. So I said, “granted.” This is a man who, as far as I know, does not like women to stay the night. He can’t sleep with a woman in his bed. Last time, though, he slept pretty well! I brought this up to him and he just smiled, that cocky, crooked smile…I am flattered that he can sleep next to me. Not that I want him to be sleeping at all! It was quite lovely last time, he spooned me and laced his fingers through mine, curled up tightly against me. I, of course, being an insomniac, didn’t sleep at all, but I loved that feeling of intimacy. I remember how he held my face and kissed me, told me that he loved having me there, and stood at the doorway, lifted his hand, and watch me drive away. Such a serious look on his face—the memory still sends shivers down my spine.

I wonder what it will be like this time.