Another lovers story

I must write about this to get it out of my head. I thought my lover had already deployed, but all week I've been checking in and he's still been here. Yesterday afternoon, I ended up with a free hour completely alone, such a rarity these days, so I checked in. He was there and we chatted a bit; eventually things got very heated as usual, but he then he typed "call me." What's the big deal? Well, we had set this as another limit- no phone calls. He was always very careful about not asking for too much, really, not asking for much at all, given my situation, but lately, he's been showing more of his desirous self, wanting more, not playing it quite so nonchalantly. He's never asked me to call him before, and he's never called. I just smiled to myself and picked up the phone. He waited four rings to answer, always the tease. And when I heard his voice, only maybe the fifth time in my life, I melted.

His voice is deep and commanding, controlled, and to me, very sensual. He has such power over me, sexually, and he knows it. He told me what to do and I did; I imagined him there with me and listened to his voice. He called me "lover," which I absolutely adore. It was almost as good as being with him in person, almost. At times, I would become overwhelmed, and he knew just what to do, just like when we're together. "Close your eyes, breathe with me...in....out..." We breathed together over the phone until I calmed down and the tears stopped. We both satisfied our cravings, with encouragement from the other. Afterward, I lay on my bed, he lay in his, and we just smiled into the phone in silence. Peaceful. I felt his ghostly touch...wrapping his arms around me, lacing his fingers through mine, and falling asleep together until desire woke us up again. This ritual was palpable over the phone. And it was me this time who said "I'm afraid I have to go" when my hour was up. He sounded almost regretful but understanding. "Go do what you have to do. We'll talk later." And I've been checking since, and he is not there. He said something about having to stay up all night last night...I think he's left. And if I'm correct, this is why he broached the final boundary. This was his way of saying goodbye, without saying the word.

I could be wrong. We shall see. All I know is that he's stopped asking if I have permission to see him. He never mentions my husband any more. And tells me such things, such as in this conversation:

me: ...and he still respects her in the morning?
him: of course, he respects her the entire time. she is courageous, fearless, uninhibited, willing to endure a lot in exchange for her pleasure.
me: she feels the same way...and safe to be her ***** self, no judgment.
him: never. she can explore in safety, be nurtured, be nourished by her lover...

Marriage and camping???

Well, dh came home early last night and admitted to me that he does like that schedule...I don't know if it will stick, but at least he realized that evening family time is a good thing. We have such a long way to go, but, when I first met him, I knew we would make it through trials. And how did I know that? We went camping : )  Let me tell you, if a newly dating couple (given they don't love camping in the first place) can make it through a camping trip, they can make it through anything. We worked so well together, putting up the tent, organizing, cooking, managing not to fight...and so it is. Marriage is like a LONG camping trip, and we've had our fair share of mosquito-filled nights, leaks in the tent, and skunks passing by...

...and the thing is, you can't camp with just anyone. Just like you can't spend twenty years sharing a life and a home with just anyone. Pick the wrong person and you'll drive each other crazy.

POTF's latest album is PURE GOLD!

All of the Poets of the Fall’s songs give me visions, dreams, whether happy or sad or just for a cool daydream. These reasons are what makes this band so very special to me. Having music around me in my life has been and is very important to me, but having a band actually give me everything I look for in music, is so rare and unusual. The Poets of The Fall do that for me, and for that, I will be always grateful. Not only do I relate to the lyrics (Marko, you are amazing!), but the music (Olli, you are the guitar god, and Captain the keyboard master!) is the perfect match, and the mixing, well, it’s done by the best (cowboy hat off to Captain )."

This is from a review of Poet's latest album, Temple of Thought by  The Tightrope Walker. I am simply blown away and it is such a melding of emotion that I can barely contain myself. Except the final song, just plain fun...

The reviewer's comment on one particular song...oh, this is so powerful to me, I was in tears all day after listening to the song. It has particular relevance for my future, I am acutely aware.

Cradled in Love:
This song is the featured ballad on this album, the first single and the first song made into a video. I love the lyrics, and I see this being sung by one who is leaving, to a former lover, comforting her and convincing her it will be all right, so they can both move on an remember what their love was like, and how she can find it again.
This stanza tells me even though this was not an easy relationship, each person found something he or she needed in it at the time, but that time has passed. The best way to move on is to have the great memories, and know, in her heart, and in his, this love will live on and bring something new to another love.
We took a gamble with this love, like sailing to the storm.
With the waves rushing over to take us, we were battling against the tide.
You were my beacon of salvation. I was your starlight.
It’s sad, although I have read interviews with Marko, and his thoughts on this song is one of comfort and some joy. This sentence, “Do I even dare to speak your name for fear it sounds like, like a lover?”, sounds like the person leaving is distancing himself from the former love by taking over the role of comforting friend. This song reminds me of “No End, No Beginning,” from Alchemy Vol.1, the album released prior to Temple of Thought, and there is not a connection, it gives me the same feeling.

This album, in my opinion is deeper than anything they have previously released. What do you think? You can download it on the itunes store or from Poet's website at  POTF website. I'd love to hear thoughts about this album and write more about it in future.
 

Time to turn focus...

Well, it hurts, mai oui. He's off, I think.

It's time to turn my focus. I've let things get out of control in my home life. My husband and I have been essentially been living separate lives, opposite schedules, taking our daughter on each of them with us. It's time to reorganize, change some things. The final straw occurred last night when dh started making dinner at 9pm and I was trying to settle our daughter in for the night. What kind of a family is this, when the father doesn't get home until 8, no family meal, no family time. Then I disappear and rush around getting everything ready for bed and the next morning. Read books, bottle, sleep. That's it. We rarely spend time alone together, and lately it's been arguing, and when we used to, we always talked of her. Our marriage is degrading. And no, it's not because of this other "thing" I have going.

Ever since, well, for a long time now, I have felt like the breeding mare--I felt he just wanted a baby and now he's so thrilled and obsessed with her that I don't matter any more. He went away on this business trip and when he returned, rushed straight for her. I couldn't help being upset. Ever since the moment she was born, she's become his first priority. Even in the hospital as I was undergoing two blood transfusions after my surgery. He adores her, I understand that. I think my life has irrevocably changed in so many ways and the two of us need to talk about this and make some changes. I want a happy fulfilling marriage and a functional (as opposed to "dysfunctional") family. I have worked hard in the past to ensure that, as I've described already, and I want to fight for it.

The depression has been intense lately, with everything combined. I am not sure how to fight this right now.

Artymove

"Let us get a life, you and I. Get a job, a house, some kids...get a car, boat, I'm getting rich..."

I'm pretty sure these lyrics were meant to be sarcastic. The American dream. How dull.

I was handed another disk of incredible music this morning--this work colleague is a steady source of new addictive European music. This is a great song- a great group, called Artymove, from Sweden.  Versatile-this is a jazzy song, but some have an ambient feel, some hip hop, soul...you get the idea. Sit back and enjoy.

My lover is leaving tomorrow, I believe. He can't say exactly when, but I have a feeling. What would he say to my sadness? "It is what it is, my lover."

Deploying soon

It's been insane: alone with my one-year-old who refuses to sleep at night... while trying to hold down my full-time job. That may not sound like much, but it's close to undoing me. I couldn't ever be a single mom, I simply don't see how it is possible, yet people do it every day. I absolutely adore my little imp, and she EXHAUSTS me to the limit!

My lover is deploying VERY soon, in a matter of days. To the war. Right in the middle of it. He is anxious and down, and has a "bad vibe" about it. I try to be around when my daughter is asleep (rarely!) and just take his mind off his worries. I feel quite helpless, scared myself; and there is truly nothing I can do. He's got to face his fear alone, unfortunately. As we all do in the end, I suppose.

I told him really, think about getting out when you come home. He is too good for this system. He's intelligent and cynical and independent and has almost completed his degree now, so he will have more options. He sounds so unhappy, and I know he can aim so much higher. I told him that I find intelligence incredibly sexy, so don't worry about not wearing the uniform for my sake : ) His response was that he could never see me with a "moron" no matter how good looking. So funny. I think part of the attraction for him is that I'm not the typical vapid female one meets on a sex site. I know how to read him and use it for both of our advantage : )

As for me and "morons," well, I've been there, done that, and get bored easily. I do need an intellectual equal or higher. My husband is much more intelligent than me--I wouldn't stay married were I bored for that long! My mystery Marine was quite smart--too smart, he never messed up, always remained in control, leaving me looking foolish at times.

  

We are making plans for when he comes back--I think this is probably helping him more than anything. I didn't know he had this thought: he wants to take me to a swingers club : ) He knows a place in the area (of course he does lol)- a classy, membership-only place, where membership is only open to couples and single females. I don't understand the limitation, although something tells me it's a positive sign for a place like this. It would be a real step out of my comfort zone. Although I've had dreams of things like this with him, I'd never considered actually doing it. But we're beyond fantasy now--everything is open to us to explore. And he has other intriguing ideas, as well. Never bored with him.

I feel much calmer though, knowing he is not getting bored with me and shows no sign of wanting to end. I have been able to let go of the obsession a bit-not needing to hear from him daily. He's so consistent and has been for such a long time. It's very comforting somehow, that he is so steady and dependable. Steady as a rock. Wonderfully calm in a crisis. He's going to make some lucky woman an amazing husband someday, when he gets through his determinedly stubborn bachelor stage (I'm fine with him remaining in it for a long time yet to come though!).

Musing on getting older

I'm finally attempting to get myself together (trying). Exercised for the first time since I got pregnant (not that carrying around a 20 lb. baby isn't exercise! arm and leg muscles are in great shape...), and I mean a 30-minute walk in this gorgeous weather. So beautiful today, low 70s, dry, breezy. Listened to music and thought all the while.

So, this song practically invited me to blog today :

It takes a lot of self-esteem to not allow someone to mess with you. It takes self-honesty and staying out of denial. That's a lot to ask of a person; perhaps that's why it's so easy for the most sensitive of us to get messed with. In my experience, you can't trust anyone even who says they won't, because their intellect is not in control of their emotions and actions. Even if they claim it is.

I use my life examples because this is what I know--I'm sure you can think of something completely different that works.

On my walk today, I remembered what my lover said to me a few months ago. He said in warning, "The deeper we go, the more it's going to hurt when it's over." We had a bad time, a few years ago when he started dating someone, and told me goodbye. Prematurely. This was soon after our first encounter. I knew it would happen at some point, but hell, we were just starting. And to top it off, this was right after two rejections in a row. I wasn't in any place to handle it at all well. I allowed him to mess with me. I was a wreck for quite a while and just taught myself to adjust.

So, the lesson in that? I'm not sure I've learned anything much, except that I'm responsible for my own suffering. You see, if you decide that no one's ever going to mess with you again, you fall into an chasm. You build a wall and hide behind it. At least, that's been my experience. If you open yourself, someone's going to mess with you. I guess I can venture to say that I walked into this with my eyes wide open, this time, if that's a lesson. I am intellectually aware of the future. It's still going to sting--like when you have a cavity drilled with no anesthesia; yes, it will. And I could have mitigated that pain by not allowing our physical intimacy to enter the realm it has. But the one thing I can say is that I am consciously choosing this. I don't know what else to say, though.

I am getting older every day. My daughter is growing up. My husband is, too. Sex is a temporary state of affairs, and I peer at myself in the mirror every day, looking for the wrinkles on my face, the grey in my hair; surveying the extra weight I have put on since I became pregnant. I think about my mother and how I was always so hard on her for letting herself "fall apart"--for as many years as I can remember. But here I am. Falling apart. There's so much to do, so much care taking and pressure to keep my job(s), and not a second to spare (and yes, I write, but that's in my quick break times during the work week). I'm still vain, but I don't have the appearance to match it now. (no, I'm not fat, but carry an extra 15 pounds that I never used to, and it hurts me every time I look at myself.) I don't know why this doesn't bother the men in my life like it bothers me, but they honestly don't seem to care; it's me who insists on keeping the lights out.

Getting older is troublesome. I am on the verge of giving in and just becoming someone's mother, someone's wife, living in suburban tranquility (haha, never tranquility!). But I'm so exhausted, how can I keep up with what I used to be? I just don't know. Perhaps this is depression rearing its ugly head now.

I don't like where I'm going with this, so I'm going to stop while I'm still coping decently.

Definitions of intimacy

I asked my lover how he would define intimacy. I was curious, as he had once said that we were "intimate" (I wrote about that earlier, so I won't go into it now). His definition was "a combined closeness...physical and emotional, between two people." And I responded with my own definition: "in  to  me  see." To me, intimacy is being seen--and being ACCEPTED--for who you are, deep down inside (and vice versa).

An interesting difference in definition, eh? I mean, I agree with his definition, as a basic definition, but I believe intimacy goes way beyond a combination of the physical and emotional. When you learn a secret about another person and accept the valuable gift of that secret and offer a nonjudgmental, compassionate embrace [as a metaphor] in exchange, that to me is intimacy. Intimacy can be more than a romantic relationship; I would consider my closest friendships to be intimate. Some friends know more about my secrets than my husband ever will, for example.

I think, well, I know, my chosen definition comes from my problems with the word. Adult children of dysfunctional families tend to have difficulty with intimacy. I encountered many bumps along this road, for example, the overenmeshment with my father--not a normal intimate father-daughter relationship; or the difficulty I had with my sister's shaming responses when I would attempt to initiate intimacy in the form of sharing my thoughts and feelings and even a secret or two. I remember trying to tell her about some of the pain my husband and I were going through and the brisk, judgmental, almost angry tone of her voice shocked me into shame. I felt like I had become less of a person in her eyes--just as I was getting used to the acceptance and kindness and understanding I received from the members of my ACOA group. The sting of that has never left me.

This wonderful article, Fear of Intimacy, is extremely powerful. So much so that I find it hard to read more than a few paragraphs in a sitting. But to me, it rings of truth. If you are an ACOA and sense that intimacy is something that might need a little work, please read and share this, but slowly.

Seek You Out

I never listened to these lyrics closely until this morning, and they touched a raw nerve.

Seek You Out (POTF)

Never said you'd promise anything
Never told to trust you blindly
Never thought you'd hurt me either

Never had a chance now ain't that so
Never should've wept when you let go
Never thought you'd push me away

Sad as it may be
I'm glad it's over finally
Speaks volumes of me
When letting go is never easy

So I'll seek you out, just to find myself
And I'll worry 'bout consequences later
I hear you out, till I hear myself
Hear myself in you

Never knew if we were really true
Never thought I'd ever get to you
Never thought I'd end up like this

Never was I stronger than I'm now
Never felt this much a fool somehow
Never had much thought for myself


I think back over my addictive relationship I, and this song fits perfectly. He never promised anything to me, he never told me I could trust him, and I asked, at the very beginning, please be gentle with me when it's over. I don't recall him saying yes to that either. I filled in all the blanks myself, I fooled myself into believing it was intimacy. It was a relationship that wasn't meant to be, and that WAS meant to teach me to be strong. It was one I had to let go of eventually when I didn't think I could. I guess there's still a part of me that tries to hold on a bit. Why else would I still be writing about something that's long past?

Honestly, in the middle of the night I started thinking about him again. And did a web search. Something has changed; he's taking his privacy more seriously now. I didn't come up with much this time, when, in the past, he used to spill his life out on the Internet (of course, I'm more than guilty of that here). I'm actually quite relieved; I think it is a good sign for him. Perhaps things are getting better, perhaps he will find a true, fulfilling relationship--or already has.

These words and the sound of the music express the entirety of our relationship, the negative and the positive, better than anything I could write.