Definitions of intimacy

I asked my lover how he would define intimacy. I was curious, as he had once said that we were "intimate" (I wrote about that earlier, so I won't go into it now). His definition was "a combined closeness...physical and emotional, between two people." And I responded with my own definition: "in  to  me  see." To me, intimacy is being seen--and being ACCEPTED--for who you are, deep down inside (and vice versa).

An interesting difference in definition, eh? I mean, I agree with his definition, as a basic definition, but I believe intimacy goes way beyond a combination of the physical and emotional. When you learn a secret about another person and accept the valuable gift of that secret and offer a nonjudgmental, compassionate embrace [as a metaphor] in exchange, that to me is intimacy. Intimacy can be more than a romantic relationship; I would consider my closest friendships to be intimate. Some friends know more about my secrets than my husband ever will, for example.

I think, well, I know, my chosen definition comes from my problems with the word. Adult children of dysfunctional families tend to have difficulty with intimacy. I encountered many bumps along this road, for example, the overenmeshment with my father--not a normal intimate father-daughter relationship; or the difficulty I had with my sister's shaming responses when I would attempt to initiate intimacy in the form of sharing my thoughts and feelings and even a secret or two. I remember trying to tell her about some of the pain my husband and I were going through and the brisk, judgmental, almost angry tone of her voice shocked me into shame. I felt like I had become less of a person in her eyes--just as I was getting used to the acceptance and kindness and understanding I received from the members of my ACOA group. The sting of that has never left me.

This wonderful article, Fear of Intimacy, is extremely powerful. So much so that I find it hard to read more than a few paragraphs in a sitting. But to me, it rings of truth. If you are an ACOA and sense that intimacy is something that might need a little work, please read and share this, but slowly.