Deploying soon

It's been insane: alone with my one-year-old who refuses to sleep at night... while trying to hold down my full-time job. That may not sound like much, but it's close to undoing me. I couldn't ever be a single mom, I simply don't see how it is possible, yet people do it every day. I absolutely adore my little imp, and she EXHAUSTS me to the limit!

My lover is deploying VERY soon, in a matter of days. To the war. Right in the middle of it. He is anxious and down, and has a "bad vibe" about it. I try to be around when my daughter is asleep (rarely!) and just take his mind off his worries. I feel quite helpless, scared myself; and there is truly nothing I can do. He's got to face his fear alone, unfortunately. As we all do in the end, I suppose.

I told him really, think about getting out when you come home. He is too good for this system. He's intelligent and cynical and independent and has almost completed his degree now, so he will have more options. He sounds so unhappy, and I know he can aim so much higher. I told him that I find intelligence incredibly sexy, so don't worry about not wearing the uniform for my sake : ) His response was that he could never see me with a "moron" no matter how good looking. So funny. I think part of the attraction for him is that I'm not the typical vapid female one meets on a sex site. I know how to read him and use it for both of our advantage : )

As for me and "morons," well, I've been there, done that, and get bored easily. I do need an intellectual equal or higher. My husband is much more intelligent than me--I wouldn't stay married were I bored for that long! My mystery Marine was quite smart--too smart, he never messed up, always remained in control, leaving me looking foolish at times.

  

We are making plans for when he comes back--I think this is probably helping him more than anything. I didn't know he had this thought: he wants to take me to a swingers club : ) He knows a place in the area (of course he does lol)- a classy, membership-only place, where membership is only open to couples and single females. I don't understand the limitation, although something tells me it's a positive sign for a place like this. It would be a real step out of my comfort zone. Although I've had dreams of things like this with him, I'd never considered actually doing it. But we're beyond fantasy now--everything is open to us to explore. And he has other intriguing ideas, as well. Never bored with him.

I feel much calmer though, knowing he is not getting bored with me and shows no sign of wanting to end. I have been able to let go of the obsession a bit-not needing to hear from him daily. He's so consistent and has been for such a long time. It's very comforting somehow, that he is so steady and dependable. Steady as a rock. Wonderfully calm in a crisis. He's going to make some lucky woman an amazing husband someday, when he gets through his determinedly stubborn bachelor stage (I'm fine with him remaining in it for a long time yet to come though!).