Friday, January 27, 2012

Magic

For some reason, this song makes me feel very sad.


Magic. I know I'm already emotional; I'm swimming in the depths of it right now. Last night was a beautiful evening with my daughter. I love her. I can't state that emphatically enough. We were watching this wii program--aquarium--together, just watching the fish swimming on the screen to the sound of classical music. She leaned against me, rested her head on my bosom and rubbed my arms with her feather-light fingers. She relaxed. I couldn't tell if she was asleep...I smelled her sweet baby scent, stroked her head, and wanted to cry. This was the most intimate moment I've experienced with my daughter since she's become aware. The breastfeeding was intimate, too, but she wasn't aware of the world and choosing me at that time. Tonight, she chose me. She sees me as an important and comforting part of her world! Why does this surprise me? Because of the PPD, my human frailties, my dysfunctions...so many people have chosen not to love me. And it's been so difficult. But last night was worth every second of every pain I've ever experienced.

We are so alike; we have the same feisty spirit and the same stubborn streak. She looks at me out of my own eyes. She has taken on my smile and the way I move my eyebrows, even. But at the same time, she is completely her own person, having her own experience. When I picked her up at daycare yesterday, one of the little boys threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly--my eyes teared up, what sweetness she attracts to herself! How she manages to charm everyone she meets..how her smile lights up her entire self! What a beautiful journey! I am so excited to watch her grow, every day. I feel blessed to be her mother : )

Monday, January 23, 2012

A pagan ritual...and THIS is why people have babies!

My daughter and I connected yesterday in a beautiful manner.  I took her to the mall (I rarely do that, as I emphatically do NOT enjoy this typical American pastime) and pushed her around in her stroller (which I also rarely do, as I "wear" her everywhere), and this little girl was thrilled! The sounds, the sights, the people, the glitter; she simply loved it. And then we sat down to give her a bottle and she ended up laughing (and drinking at the same time!) and playing with my face--yanking my ears, my chin, caressing my cheek and smiling and giggling. As for me, I was loving it, too. So happy, so content. And she is beautiful, absolutely stunning--my round face and luminous eyes; her father's auburn hair, light skin and stunning blue eye color. This afternoon was worth everything. And this is why people have babies : )

Things are getting very intense now, as my "rendezvous" is approaching--less than two weeks to go. We are making plans, mercilessly teasing each other, finishing up our shopping expeditions...for me, I try to make every encounter different. This time, it's all about the details. Those exquisite details from etsy, the collar he gave me, sexy black stiletto heels, tatted lace bracelets from England, and the perfect finishing touch--Italian black stockings with red lace from Papilio. The sales woman helped me pick out the perfect touch : ) Ahhh. I'd already sent him the leather bracelet, just to get his mind racing...he's a very intellectual thinker and planner and these details send him over the edge; I just love it. And as for him, he's actually been making (permanent!) changes to his bedroom just for me, to accommodate my particular tastes. What a treat this will be. Next weekend is my spa day to purify my body; a ritual that I do every time. I feel as though I am preparing for a pagan ritual, and perhaps this is exactly what it is. It feels natural and in touch with the primal forces of nature--last time we were together, the crickets sang (their mating sound) so loudly, almost to match the songs coming from the inside of the house, that he calls me "the woman who speaks cricket" and I call him "the man who makes crickets jealous."

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Self-care is acceptable...and a spiritual kind of love

I attended the PPD support group again last night. One woman told me she experienced a similar situation in which her husband actually left with the baby until she started getting help. I am not alone. And I am getting lots of help-a med increase, I'm starting to see a new therapist with specializes in PPD today, continue to attend the support group, and everyone emphasizes this--self-care. That's been the hardest aspect for me. I consider doing anything to take care of myself as, at the same time, taking love and care AWAY from someone else. That's what I was taught; that's what was modeled for me.

I have been care taking to the point of physical collapse because of this guilt. But it seems to be okay to self-care...dh doesn't have a problem with it, and my daughter is happy when I'm happy. We've had some wonderful times together in the evenings, laughing, playing, teasing each other. She's a little imp, and she's hilarious, when I let myself relax and enjoy her.

So, self-care isn't a bad thing after all. I've even been able to start reading and working on my personal projects again. Dh and I trade off, every other night one of us sleeps in the basement, so we're both relatively refreshed and functioning. We co-sleep, and can't imagine not doing that, but on really tough nights when the little one wakes up more than twice, we are both completely worn out, hence the arrangement. I know there are many opinions on co-sleeping and attachment parenting, but we are advocates of these techniques. And the only evidence we need is our daughter's smiles and laughter and how well adjusted she is when we're NOT with her. She's not clingy, desperate for affection or attention; she's self-assured and extremely social. We directly attribute these characteristics to our parenting style.

I have a memory of being left in a crib to cry myself to sleep and it haunts me. The feeling of abandonment and fear has never gone away. I am convinced this harmed me for the long term, so I will NEVER allow my child to "cry it out" or try this "Ferber" method...She will be loved, day and night. Period.

My husband and I are both actively reacting to our childhoods--we were discussing this last night. He experienced a lack of physical affection and affirmation, a sense of never being special, from his parents; and as for me, being the child of a narcissistic father and depressed mother and covertly incested, well, we know those issues. Dh and I spend time every night after the little love falls asleep talking about how we're handling these issues. Dh says he hopes that in fifteen years, when our little teenager is thriving, that my father is still alive and he can say to him, "THIS is how it's done." Oh my goodness. My dh is living to change the dynamics of my screwed up family. It's been this kind of relationship from the start: he's wanted to take care of me, give me the life I was denied and he can now do that with our child. This kind of love is truly a spiritual love. It goes WAY beyond earthly "love" and THAT is why I can cope with the other shortcomings we experience. No matter how much I go on about lust and my lover, NOTHING in this world can come close to this kind of love. Nothing. 





Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Update...things are definitely getting better

We upped the dose of the meds. I think it's helping, because I had a decent evening with my little one. I love picking her up at daycare. The look of recognition on her face is priceless and seeing her laugh just sets my heart soaring. It's so up and down, isn't it?

I was chastised by my psychiatrist for letting this get out of control; suffering serves no purpose, she said, unless I enjoy it. I stopped to think about that. Suffering is what I'm comfortable with--enjoyable? No, I would say not. It's more like I believe I don't deserve to be at peace.

Dh does say he understands and wants to support me to the best of his ability. It's funny; I think we're getting tired of the grind and routine and we'd really like to spend quality time together without it revolving around our daughter. That's a change, a lovely change. When dh and I hug or kiss each other in front of our daughter, our 11-month-old SMILES at us! This little human already knows about love! I'm amazed at her intuition already. She points to things she wants, she flips through books and laughs, she's playing with the other babies now, too. This fascinates me: the other day I pick her up at daycare and she is poking and touching this other baby's face. Well, this other baby is just sitting there, smiling at her and letting her do whatever she wants. No fussing, no upset, just patience and a look of sweet amusement. My daughter is enjoying the game and pushing the limits with this little boy...and THIS made me think of me and my husband. The calm, gentle willow tree that puts up with (with mild amusement) the impish antics of his wife. My daughter is a wild child, a wind spirit who will need someone exactly like this little boy beside her later in life. That was quite a heady experience for a mother!


Let's see, the meeting with my lover is in about three weeks and I am having a great time doing some, ahem, shopping...to appease his fetishes (and mine). Which is actually helping dh and I because it's opening up ideas for us, too. I found this amazing shop on Etsy--the young woman makes tatted lace jewelery--NeoVictorain, gorgeous, sexy, sexy, sexy things! Here are a couple of examples (her shop is Decoromana)


I can't believe the gorgeous, professional items on Etsy, and very reasonably priced, too. Why didn't I check this out before??? And get these--mini spats for a pair of amazing black stiletto heels (from BagavondBags )...



Now, is that something or what!!!

And...
Three sisters leather wrist or ankle wrap ( from kristinmalotte--or choker, but I don't need that since a personalized leather collar was his birthday gift to me...)

And then, of course, there's more, but I'll leave it for now : )
He's so much fun; he's hinted he's done some shopping for me, too. I can't believe he and my husband get along, as well. It's very bizarre, out of this world, but fun : )

All very different aspects of my varied, strange, and adventurous life : )

Monday, January 9, 2012

PPD is a tough nut to crack...and more music finds

I've been dying to post all weekend, but it's been a rough one. The little one is teething (I didn't know it would be so bad!) and my PPD went to new lows. At the worst of it, I asked dh if he wanted me to leave the house and stay with my mother. I  had to leave my daughter's care up to him last night, I simply couldn't cope. I feel horrible about my inability to deal with my little girl at times like this.  I am terrified that she's going to remember these times, when I go numb and cold and speak harshly to her.  I am grateful that I have a psychiatrist appt tomorrow and I'm going to call this new therapist my support group told me about. I know I need help, and I want to be a kind, gentle, and loving parent. I don't understand why I can't cope. As awful as it sounds, I do much better during the weeks when I work and have those 10 hours away. Then I pick her up from daycare and we spend a pleasant (or fussy) evening together and I can cope. The weekends are awful. There's no respite. Even though dh takes her most of the time, I feel obliged to be around constantly, to be cleaning the house if I'm not taking care of her, or something.

I feel like I am a cold bitch. Uncaring and narcissistic. And of course, you know where that thinking leads. I think most people who know me would say I'm not these things, but I feel like those negative parts that I inherited from my parents are alive and in control right now.

Dh doesn't understand about PPD. He didn't understand the hormonal changes I went through during the pregnancy, or the breastfeeding pain and bond, and now he thinks if I just sleep for a few nights, I'll be fine. Sleep is part of it, of course, but I sometimes think he looks at me as if I'm just making these things up.

I am grateful though, that he is such a wonderful, patient father. I hope that makes up for me not being 100 percent right now.

During the night when my daughter was sleeping and I was awake (can you say insomia!), I did some searching and listening to music again and I found some gems I want to share.

Did you know there's a demo of Marko Saaresto's first solo album out there? This song is incredible for a DEMO! It's beautiful!  What an amazing voice, wowwowowowowow!!!






Poets of the Fall mentored a band called Phoenix Effect--and their first album released by POTF's independent label, Insomniac, is striking. You can hear POTF's influence--they collaborated on this album, but at the same time, there's raw talent here, too. Two of their songs: the first, King See No Evil (with Marko) and then A Light to Guide You, something that seems to have more of an independent style from POTF. This stuff is pure gold. Everything POTF touches in any way is pure gold!






Friday, January 6, 2012

"The Choice"


...Not at a little cost,
Hardly by prayer or tears,
Shall we recover the road we lost
In the drugged and doubting years.

But, after the fires and the wrath,
But, after searching and pain,
His Mercy opens us a path
To live with ourselves again.

-Rudyard Kipling, “The Choice”

Kipling's poem actually refers to war and PTSD, I believe, and I am taking a particular passage out of context; however, don't you think this could apply to anyone who has fought any type of war, internal or external? It is beautiful and full of hope.

To view the poem in its entirety, The Choice


Thursday, January 5, 2012

Medley...

I love discovering music, and I love to share. I tend to force music on people, though, I've realized. I will send them songs or be overly emotional or sappy about certain songs...so in order to curb this restless instinct, I'm posting music here. That way, readers, you can take it or leave it and I'm not pushing anything on you. Some songs bring up a rush of emotion so powerful I almost need to share and I figure this blog is a good a place as any to noninvasively share.

I don't know why this Gothic and symphonic metal and music hailing from northern Europe is so potent for me right now, and has been for the past year. It seems that the older I get, the darker and wilder my taste in music gets--shouldn't the opposite be happening? Some of these German bands are downright scary though, so much pent up anger...I'm much more comfortable with the symphonic ballads of the Finns...

But first, POTF....and yes, I have a massive crush on the lead singer. His voice is HOT, and so is the rest of him...honestly, I think I got really lucky here--my lover reminds me a bit of him : ) A military Marko...and the black cuffs he wears on his wrists, oh man. Okay, here are two videos, the first is more typical POTF, the second is a wild departure, but wow, I love it! 



Next, let's see, ah, the song my designer colleague and I yell at each other daily: Du Hast, Rammestein.


Epica--I love how these bands combine some folk, metal, and operatic themes. This is the most creative music; we really don't have anything like these artists in the United States. <swoon>



 And something traditional to top it off. Nightwish ROCKS! They are so versatile. If only I'd known about the hidden talent in Finalnd when I was living in Scandinavia. Being an immigrant myself, I believed the biased words of the Swedes : ) I still love the Swedes, though. Scandinavians in general have a special place in my heart.



Of course, I can't stop there! One more--Jerico by Subway to Sally. Middle Eastern flavor metal. My ears are so happy : )



Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Good news for a change

It's 3am and I can't sleep. I feel very blessed right now-this PPD support group I tried out is absolutely perfect. Exactly what I need. Compassionate moderators, understanding participants, resources that I've desperately needed. A place to cry and express the unsayable without judgment. A warm community of women of all different ages, and we are all experiencing the same thing! I've missed this kind of companionship. I feel so much better just having listened and been heard.

I asked, and God provided, in His own time, yet again.

Not only that, and it would have been more than enough, but dh got an incredible annual review and a substantial raise. Very unexpected in this time of fiscal austerity, and very welcome. We don't have to worry about money so much; that's a huge relief.

When my daughter returned to her daycare today, we found it completely changed for the worse. And yet again, the timing was perfect, for today I signed a contract for a new home daycare that will be so much better for her. Our doctor had told us two weeks ago to get her out of the old one, and a connection of mine recommended her sons' daycare, and there was one opening. Perfect. My pastor was right : ) God is there and opens up the door when needed-not when wanted. I guess God wanted me to experience and learn a lot before deciding these lessons were finished, as usual.

I am grateful. Lost sleep is no big deal in the face of these huge blessings!

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

PPD strikes again

I found a group. Not the same as before, but something to try, that is more targeted. PPD is serious, my friends. And I didn't realize this is the problem now (yet again). My hormones are a wreck and I've been trying to self-medicate; that's what a lot of this has been. I thought that ten months in, PPD wouldn't be an issue, but it most certainly is. I realized this when, two nights ago, my daughter wouldn't stop crying for four hours. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and my nerves were torn to shreds. I yelled at her. God. I had put her down on the bed and looked at the pillows above her head, and terrifying thoughts began. I can't even write about them without such shame. I decided that I needed to get away, and I went to the basement where my husband was sleeping and wanted to ask him to take over, but he was so peacefully asleep, I just couldn't get myself to wake him. So, I went back up and became very stoic and detached and closed my mind to her cries and tried for the hundredth time to rock her to sleep. Luckily, dh had heard me coming downstairs and raced up to the nursery to see what was going on. He took over and I went to the basement and cried. My fury and anger scared me. I was afraid I had ruined her. I thought for the hundredth time that I should take my own life to protect my daughter's.

He told me I need to get help. I know this. And I am.

How can it be that I love her so much, but I still have these thoughts? She is the happiest, cutest, sweetest baby I could have imagined. What is wrong with me? No, I am not handling motherhood gracefully. I hope she doesn't remember. I want the best best for her, despite myself. Dh warned me that he will take her away if he must. Dh's loyalty is to our daughter, he made that perfectly clear. And I am glad she has such a father. Me, I'm just a wreck and what I need to do is get back on schedule, with work and meetings and talk to my psychiatrist about adjusting meds. I am really scared sometimes.