Magic. I know I'm already emotional; I'm swimming in the depths of it right now. Last night was a beautiful evening with my daughter. I love her. I can't state that emphatically enough. We were watching this wii program--aquarium--together, just watching the fish swimming on the screen to the sound of classical music. She leaned against me, rested her head on my bosom and rubbed my arms with her feather-light fingers. She relaxed. I couldn't tell if she was asleep...I smelled her sweet baby scent, stroked her head, and wanted to cry. This was the most intimate moment I've experienced with my daughter since she's become aware. The breastfeeding was intimate, too, but she wasn't aware of the world and choosing me at that time. Tonight, she chose me. She sees me as an important and comforting part of her world! Why does this surprise me? Because of the PPD, my human frailties, my dysfunctions...so many people have chosen not to love me. And it's been so difficult. But last night was worth every second of every pain I've ever experienced.
We are so alike; we have the same feisty spirit and the same stubborn streak. She looks at me out of my own eyes. She has taken on my smile and the way I move my eyebrows, even. But at the same time, she is completely her own person, having her own experience. When I picked her up at daycare yesterday, one of the little boys threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly--my eyes teared up, what sweetness she attracts to herself! How she manages to charm everyone she meets..how her smile lights up her entire self! What a beautiful journey! I am so excited to watch her grow, every day. I feel blessed to be her mother : )
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