Self-care is acceptable...and a spiritual kind of love

I attended the PPD support group again last night. One woman told me she experienced a similar situation in which her husband actually left with the baby until she started getting help. I am not alone. And I am getting lots of help-a med increase, I'm starting to see a new therapist with specializes in PPD today, continue to attend the support group, and everyone emphasizes this--self-care. That's been the hardest aspect for me. I consider doing anything to take care of myself as, at the same time, taking love and care AWAY from someone else. That's what I was taught; that's what was modeled for me.

I have been care taking to the point of physical collapse because of this guilt. But it seems to be okay to self-care...dh doesn't have a problem with it, and my daughter is happy when I'm happy. We've had some wonderful times together in the evenings, laughing, playing, teasing each other. She's a little imp, and she's hilarious, when I let myself relax and enjoy her.

So, self-care isn't a bad thing after all. I've even been able to start reading and working on my personal projects again. Dh and I trade off, every other night one of us sleeps in the basement, so we're both relatively refreshed and functioning. We co-sleep, and can't imagine not doing that, but on really tough nights when the little one wakes up more than twice, we are both completely worn out, hence the arrangement. I know there are many opinions on co-sleeping and attachment parenting, but we are advocates of these techniques. And the only evidence we need is our daughter's smiles and laughter and how well adjusted she is when we're NOT with her. She's not clingy, desperate for affection or attention; she's self-assured and extremely social. We directly attribute these characteristics to our parenting style.

I have a memory of being left in a crib to cry myself to sleep and it haunts me. The feeling of abandonment and fear has never gone away. I am convinced this harmed me for the long term, so I will NEVER allow my child to "cry it out" or try this "Ferber" method...She will be loved, day and night. Period.

My husband and I are both actively reacting to our childhoods--we were discussing this last night. He experienced a lack of physical affection and affirmation, a sense of never being special, from his parents; and as for me, being the child of a narcissistic father and depressed mother and covertly incested, well, we know those issues. Dh and I spend time every night after the little love falls asleep talking about how we're handling these issues. Dh says he hopes that in fifteen years, when our little teenager is thriving, that my father is still alive and he can say to him, "THIS is how it's done." Oh my goodness. My dh is living to change the dynamics of my screwed up family. It's been this kind of relationship from the start: he's wanted to take care of me, give me the life I was denied and he can now do that with our child. This kind of love is truly a spiritual love. It goes WAY beyond earthly "love" and THAT is why I can cope with the other shortcomings we experience. No matter how much I go on about lust and my lover, NOTHING in this world can come close to this kind of love. Nothing.