Welcome to the Holiday season...it's going to be fun without family crap!!!!
Friday, November 25, 2011
Happy days...
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Yesterday was a lovely holiday--the first time without any family, just good friends, kids, dogs, and delicious food. I think it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. No drama, no anger, no games, just a good old time with a fried turkey and lots of white wine. I didn't realize holidays could be so lovely.
Welcome to the Holiday season...it's going to be fun without family crap!!!!
Welcome to the Holiday season...it's going to be fun without family crap!!!!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
More on different types of abuse...and hanging on by a thread
I'm amazed at the traffic to this blog since November 18! I had no idea people would be interested this particular topic.
I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about having classified covert incest as "domestic violence" because the common image of domestic violence is wife beating or other abusive actions one spouse perpetrates against the other. But after I read a variety of the posts linked to Wanderlust's blog, I am now glad I did.
The comparison between emotional and physical abuse is always in the back of my mind, and I've read this on other blogs, too: which is worse--physical scars or emotional ones? Being physically assaulted or emotionally manipulated, terrified, and frozen? I can't make a choice on this. I'm not sure there's even a reason to choose. But some people say that the pain of a physical beating leaves more hurt and humiliation than the internal scars of emotional abuse. Others say at least one can get help getting away from physical violence; you have the proof of abuse, whereas emotional abuse is usually more subtle and harder to prove.
I haven't been the victim of physical abuse, so I cannot speak with any true authority--the only time I came close was when one of my actions caused an ex-boyfriend to slam his fist through a wall...that was close enough for me. I saw how this boy's father physically beat his son and I was out of there; perhaps recognizing a definite boundary between the physical and the emotional because at least I had witnessed physical boundaries in my family of origin.
And when it comes to sexual trauma, I am caught in the middle on that one, too. To me, sexual abuse incorporates the most insidious aspects of both physical and emotional abuse. The physical act of being penetrated, violated, against one's will; the pain, the outward scar, it's all there. But the emotional damage--the long-lasting fear and guilt, the inability to talk about the event out of culturally imposed shame; that's devastating as well.
As I've probably mentioned before, I've experienced two episodes in this realm, but not like the typical rapes and traumas one hears about. One with a relative as a child. The second, really, (and I might have mentioned this before, too), was what my therapist called an anal rape. (sorry, I know this is a delicate subject). It's very convoluted because I was in a situation I had agreed to, had wanted, but I had expressly told the person that anal sex was a NO. And the bottom line was that he did it anyway, without permission at all. When I realized what was going on, I was in terrible pain and told him to stop, which, to his credit, he did. However, he denied knowing, admitting what he had done, which is not to his credit. And only said he was surprised he got in as far as he did, as he held my tear-stained face between his hands. A cold kind of intimacy. Now, this is the one memory that haunts me because it was the element that I have in common with other victims of domestic violence...allowing a man to do to me something that I don't want or deserve, and let that be okay. To even forgive simply because he acted intimate for a short time after the act. That intimacy left me craving more of that type of intimacy, further allowing myself to accept things that hurt me emotionally or made me uncomfortable. It was a vicious cycle that is continuing to this day.
And this is why I identify with victims of domestic violence. I believe that my childhood covert incest experience left me open to accepting violations, no matter how mundane or serious, and to become addicted to the short-term intimacy after the pain; addicted to the drama, the wild roller coaster ride of intimacy initiated by negativity.
Honestly, I am having a rough time right now, struggling with this. My desire to stir up drama and the craving for sexual intimacy has led me to an almost devastating action; luckily, I was saved by some one's cool head and logical thinking. This is so hard; it hurts all the time. I am up nights even when I have the opportunity for sleep, trying to help myself down from the edge of the cliff, but the edge is beckoning and is so tempting. I know the feeling of sitting at a table contemplating a bottle of whiskey, knowing the consequences, but the smell and the yearning for just a sip is too much to bear... I'm hanging on by a thread these days.
I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about having classified covert incest as "domestic violence" because the common image of domestic violence is wife beating or other abusive actions one spouse perpetrates against the other. But after I read a variety of the posts linked to Wanderlust's blog, I am now glad I did.
The comparison between emotional and physical abuse is always in the back of my mind, and I've read this on other blogs, too: which is worse--physical scars or emotional ones? Being physically assaulted or emotionally manipulated, terrified, and frozen? I can't make a choice on this. I'm not sure there's even a reason to choose. But some people say that the pain of a physical beating leaves more hurt and humiliation than the internal scars of emotional abuse. Others say at least one can get help getting away from physical violence; you have the proof of abuse, whereas emotional abuse is usually more subtle and harder to prove.
I haven't been the victim of physical abuse, so I cannot speak with any true authority--the only time I came close was when one of my actions caused an ex-boyfriend to slam his fist through a wall...that was close enough for me. I saw how this boy's father physically beat his son and I was out of there; perhaps recognizing a definite boundary between the physical and the emotional because at least I had witnessed physical boundaries in my family of origin.
And when it comes to sexual trauma, I am caught in the middle on that one, too. To me, sexual abuse incorporates the most insidious aspects of both physical and emotional abuse. The physical act of being penetrated, violated, against one's will; the pain, the outward scar, it's all there. But the emotional damage--the long-lasting fear and guilt, the inability to talk about the event out of culturally imposed shame; that's devastating as well.
As I've probably mentioned before, I've experienced two episodes in this realm, but not like the typical rapes and traumas one hears about. One with a relative as a child. The second, really, (and I might have mentioned this before, too), was what my therapist called an anal rape. (sorry, I know this is a delicate subject). It's very convoluted because I was in a situation I had agreed to, had wanted, but I had expressly told the person that anal sex was a NO. And the bottom line was that he did it anyway, without permission at all. When I realized what was going on, I was in terrible pain and told him to stop, which, to his credit, he did. However, he denied knowing, admitting what he had done, which is not to his credit. And only said he was surprised he got in as far as he did, as he held my tear-stained face between his hands. A cold kind of intimacy. Now, this is the one memory that haunts me because it was the element that I have in common with other victims of domestic violence...allowing a man to do to me something that I don't want or deserve, and let that be okay. To even forgive simply because he acted intimate for a short time after the act. That intimacy left me craving more of that type of intimacy, further allowing myself to accept things that hurt me emotionally or made me uncomfortable. It was a vicious cycle that is continuing to this day.
And this is why I identify with victims of domestic violence. I believe that my childhood covert incest experience left me open to accepting violations, no matter how mundane or serious, and to become addicted to the short-term intimacy after the pain; addicted to the drama, the wild roller coaster ride of intimacy initiated by negativity.
Honestly, I am having a rough time right now, struggling with this. My desire to stir up drama and the craving for sexual intimacy has led me to an almost devastating action; luckily, I was saved by some one's cool head and logical thinking. This is so hard; it hurts all the time. I am up nights even when I have the opportunity for sleep, trying to help myself down from the edge of the cliff, but the edge is beckoning and is so tempting. I know the feeling of sitting at a table contemplating a bottle of whiskey, knowing the consequences, but the smell and the yearning for just a sip is too much to bear... I'm hanging on by a thread these days.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Speaking out on covert incest
Since today is SPEAK OUT day, I will add my voice to those of countless other victims of domestic violence. In essence, this entire blog is devoted to speaking out about one particular, insidious form of domestic violence: covert incest (also called emotional incest)--a term many people have never heard.
COVERT INCEST
"...occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent's need for companionship is met through the child. The
child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility
for the welfare of the parent. As adults, these children struggle with
commitment, intimacy and expressions of healthy sexuality.
There is no physical, sexual contact in this form of incest. Yet, inherent in the relationship is an archetype of feelings and dynamics more comparable to young love than a nurturing parent-child alliance. They become psychological or emotional lovers."
There is no physical, sexual contact in this form of incest. Yet, inherent in the relationship is an archetype of feelings and dynamics more comparable to young love than a nurturing parent-child alliance. They become psychological or emotional lovers."
-From Sanctuary for the Abused (see link to page on the blogroll)
It is a quiet, devastating form of abuse that is accompanied by guilt, fear, and confusion. In my case, my father used me as his surrogate wife (my parents' relationship was an unhappy one, obviously), and our relationship was intense, emotional, physically expressive, and even at times felt as though there were a sexual energy attached. Let me make it clear that there was no OVERT sexual abuse. However, the result of this relationship has been sexual frigidity, which, in my mid-thirties then turned on itself to become a raging sex addiction, lifelong severe and chronic depression, suicidal tendencies, physical illness, and much more.
I have spent years in recovery for codependency, and more recently, love and sex addiction. Twelve step programs have been my sanity, and I highly recommend them (resources located to the left and right of this blog.) Therapy using EMDR, hypnosis, breathwork, and other forms of energy therapy have been most effective for me. This struggle will never end, but it can be coped with and lived with comfortably if one is able to do the inner work and walk through the pain to get to the other side.
Three posts I have written explain in more detail what covert incest is, how to recognize it, and give a bit of background to my story:
NOTE: Yes, I know "liliac" is spelled incorrectly...this was intentional in order to preserve my anonymity from angry, vengeful, prying family members.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Speak out against domestic violence day, Nov 18
Speak out against domestic violence on Nov 18...."On November 18th, bloggers all over the world will post, tweet, share, and encourage people to “Speak
Out” against domestic violence and provide direct links to domestic
violence (DV) resources. The event date is strategically set to lead
into International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women on
Nov. 25."
www.wanderlust.com/p/speak-out.html
I plan on adding my voice...do you?
www.wanderlust.com/p/speak-out.html
I plan on adding my voice...do you?
Psychological abuse chart from Singular Insanity
What a fantastic post by one of my favorite bloggers! She posted a chart on the definition of psychological abuse, which was published in a Canadian study on the topic. The link to her article is http://www.singularinsanity.com/2011/11/what-is-psychological-abuse.html
I'm going to reproduce the chart here because it's a concise and accurate description of the various forms of psychological abuse out there. I hope you find it as useful as I have.
This information has been sourced from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence. "Psychological Abuse: A Discussion Paper" Prepared by Deborah Doherty and Dorothy Berglund. Ottawa: Public Health Agency of Canada, 2008.
Thanks again to Singular Insanity for posting this!
I'm going to reproduce the chart here because it's a concise and accurate description of the various forms of psychological abuse out there. I hope you find it as useful as I have.
Neglectful Tactics
|
Deliberate Tactics
|
Denying Emotional Responsiveness
-
failing to
provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner;
-
interacting in a
detached and uninvolved manner;
-
interacting only when
necessary;
-
ignoring the
other person’s attempts to interact (for example, treating an older adult who
lives in a residence or institution as though she/he is “a job to be done”)
|
Accusing, blaming and jealous control
-
telling a person
repeatedly that he/she has caused the abuse;
-
blaming the
person unfairly for everything that goes wrong;
-
accusing the
person of having affairs or flirting with others;
-
making the person
feel they cannot be trusted;
-
checking up on
their activities;
-
demanding the
person account for every moment of the day;
-
using anger to
control the other person.
|
Discounting
–
not giving any
credence to the person’s point of view;
–
not validating
the person’s feelings;
– claiming the behaviour was meant as a joke.
|
Criticizing behaviour and ridiculing traits
-
continuously
finding fault with the other person or making the person feel nothing he/she
does is ever right;
-
setting
unrealistic standards;
-
belittling the
person’s thoughts, ideas and achievements;
-
diminishing the
identity, dignity and self-worth of the person;
-
mimicking her/him.
|
Ignoring
-
purposefully not
acknowledging the presence, value or contribution of the other;
-
acting as though
the other person were not there.
|
Degrading
-
insulting,
ridiculing, name calling, imitating, or infantilizing;
-
yelling,
swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling the other person as stupid.
|
Denying or forgetting
- denying that any abuse has ever taken place;
-
telling the
person no one would believe the accusations because it is all in his/her
head;
-
forgetting
promises or agreements.
|
Harassing
- repeatedly contacting, following or watching the other person;
-
‘keeping tabs’ on
him/her through others; –sending unwanted gifts.
|
Countering
- implying
something is wrong with the person who has hurt feelings or complains about
not liking his/her treatment as a result of the abuse;
- contradicting
what the other person says.
|
Corrupting/Exploiting
-
socializing a
person to accept ideas or behaviours that are illegal;
-
using a person
for advantage or profit; –training him/her to serve the abuser’s interests;
-
enticing him/her
into the sex trade;
-
permitting a
child to use alcohol or drugs
|
Minimizing
/ trivializing
- refusing to validate the other person’s feelings of hurt;
- suggesting that nobody else would be upset by the same treatment.
|
Terrorizing
–
inducing terror or extreme fear in a person through coercion or
intimidation;
–
placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous
environment;
–
threatening to hurt or kill a pet or loved ones;
–
threatening to destroy possessions;
– threatening to have the
person deported or placed in an institution.
|
Rejecting
-
refusing to
acknowledge a person’s presence, value or worth;
-
communicating to
a person that he/she is useless or inferior;
-
devaluing his/her
thoughts and feelings;
-
repeatedly
treating a child differently from other siblings in a way that suggests
resentment, rejection or dislike for the child.
|
Isolating
– physically confining the person;
– restricting normal contact with others;
– limiting freedom and excluding an older adult from personal decisions;
– locking a person in a closet or room;
– refusing a person access to his/her own or jointly owned money;
– depriving a person of mobility aids or transportation;
– using others as pawns in relationships.
|
This information has been sourced from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence. "Psychological Abuse: A Discussion Paper" Prepared by Deborah Doherty and Dorothy Berglund. Ottawa: Public Health Agency of Canada, 2008.
Thanks again to Singular Insanity for posting this!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Nine months
A quick post this morning. We hit the nine-month mark yesterday! And I was actually able to read 30 pages of a book for the first time in a year on that day...the tide has turned and life is beginning a new phase of normalcy. We are heading out for a trip the end of this week, and I'll be back home by myself on Monday and Tuesday, which I am looking forward to, but I know I'll be missing my little munchkin horribly!
Wow. How did we make it this far??? My husband made an interesting comment yesterday: "You must be feeling calm to be reading again." He's so right. Only when there's no angst, no drama, no upset, can I be swept away in a novel. And it's been years, literally. I've been reading in bed after my daughter drifts off, before she wakes up for her nighttime cuddle. What a pleasure it is to hold a solid, beautiful book in my hands again! I think of the dramas that have been consuming me, and am so grateful that I am gracefully coping now. And so grateful for the little life who wants to cuddle with me every night.
My father is out of my life completely and my sister and brother-in-law have no contact with me. It should leave a gap in my little family's life, but we feel completely filled. The only other relationship that is up in the air knows where I can be contacted and what boundaries I have to put down, but I am not holding my breath. I'm okay with either way, as I am sure the other party is, too. It's really the other party's decision. <3
This is what I'm referring to:
My father is out of my life completely and my sister and brother-in-law have no contact with me. It should leave a gap in my little family's life, but we feel completely filled. The only other relationship that is up in the air knows where I can be contacted and what boundaries I have to put down, but I am not holding my breath. I'm okay with either way, as I am sure the other party is, too. It's really the other party's decision. <3
This is what I'm referring to:
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
The birds of worry...
That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent. ~Chinese Proverb
I like this. The birds of worry will be everywhere, but do you really want them nesting on your head? An amusing image, isn't it?
Thursday, November 10, 2011
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