Ah, Eulogy for Evolution. That really makes me think. 3055 by Ólafur Arnalds, a young Icelandic artist I have just discovered. Beautiful, haunting music. It seems appropriate for my state of mind. Perhaps you can understand.
Having a child is both life and death. Death of one's old life. Birth of another. It took me this long to feel the bright red pulsing of intense love for the little soul who wreaked such havoc in my life. I needed distance until now; I needed 8 hours away every day, an adult focus on adult things. All of the sudden, my heart bloomed like a rose in full flower. Words don't do this feeling justice. Just music.
She smiles at me with compassion, this little soul. She smiles at her daddy with excitement; she smiles at me with COMPASSION. Is this the way I smile at her, mirrored back? Oh God, I am in tears. This compassionate, understanding smile--I have never seen a smile like this, ever. My heart is healing. Each time I look at her, my heart mends another minuscule tear. I know she feels loved. She does not get upset when I leave her in the morning for work. She knows I'm coming back...she knows the evening is all ours!
She has saved my life. Just as my friend foretold. And we've hardly even begun.
Oh life, beautiful life, so full of pain and joy. One cannot exist without the other. The excruciating pain of birth brings with it the exquisite joy of life.
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