I cannot get everything I want!

Here's another lesson I've learned the hard way: No individual can be everything you want. No single person can meet all of our needs. Relationships are about choices, what we can live with best. I always thought I could live the propagandized life: best friend, soul mate, passionate lover all wrapped into one person who would provide and take care of me, be the perfect father, and not mind cooking and chores on top of all else.

Well, I believe now that we must pick and chose our priorities when it comes to traits in a spouse. I don't believe it is possible to have it all. As I have evolved from one relationship to the next, I was experimenting (unbeknowst to myself) to figure out which trait would take priority in my life. My very first relationship, emotion was the priority. But then I found out that perhaps emotionalism isn't worth as much as I though, as he could not control his emotions. He had anger issues and struck his fist through a wall at one point when I wanted to break up. He cried a lot. I decided I couldn't handle that. I was afraid I might end up on the other end of that fist someday.

The next (and I'm only talking about major, life-changing relationships, not one-night stands or quickly burning out romances, or mutual crushes, of which there were many), sex was the priority. I thought sex might be a a better solution than emotion. He was almost completely devoid of emotion, except under the most extreme circumstances. He was HOT, the sex was like a fire burning out of control--I followed this man overseas to join him in his bed. And that lasted about two years. I needed more; the excitement wore off and I felt lonely and bereft and BORED.

Next was my dh. He was a nice mixture of moderation--sweet, romantic, emotional enough (and I expanded his horizons on that topic), a natural-born caretaker, a wonderful provider. He became my best friend. Even here, though, some elements were lacking. I just couldn't have it all with one person! I was happy for many years, but then I became depressed by the lack of passion. We just didn't have a natural passionate feeling for each other. We were very tame; he treated me as if I were a china doll that would easily shatter. I needed more roughness, I needed more vigour, and I was haunted by that need. I kept it to myself; I had made my choice and was determined to live with it.

I wonder if most people end up in this circumstance. They are happy enough, but not completely satisfied. They need to go outside their marriages to be completely fulfilled, by turning to workaholism, or enmeshment with their children to fill that gap. Perhaps through an overinvolvement in religious organizations.  Or by having an occasional lover.

I think what we've done is the best we could have hoped for. I no longer believe in perfection; I believe in making the best of the situation I'm in, in whatever way I can, conventional and acceptable or not.