Since today is SPEAK OUT day, I will add my voice to those of countless other victims of domestic violence. In essence, this entire blog is devoted to speaking out about one particular, insidious form of domestic violence: covert incest (also called emotional incest)--a term many people have never heard.
COVERT INCEST
"...occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent's need for companionship is met through the child. The
child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility
for the welfare of the parent. As adults, these children struggle with
commitment, intimacy and expressions of healthy sexuality.
There is no physical, sexual contact in this form of incest. Yet, inherent in the relationship is an archetype of feelings and dynamics more comparable to young love than a nurturing parent-child alliance. They become psychological or emotional lovers."
There is no physical, sexual contact in this form of incest. Yet, inherent in the relationship is an archetype of feelings and dynamics more comparable to young love than a nurturing parent-child alliance. They become psychological or emotional lovers."
-From Sanctuary for the Abused (see link to page on the blogroll)
It is a quiet, devastating form of abuse that is accompanied by guilt, fear, and confusion. In my case, my father used me as his surrogate wife (my parents' relationship was an unhappy one, obviously), and our relationship was intense, emotional, physically expressive, and even at times felt as though there were a sexual energy attached. Let me make it clear that there was no OVERT sexual abuse. However, the result of this relationship has been sexual frigidity, which, in my mid-thirties then turned on itself to become a raging sex addiction, lifelong severe and chronic depression, suicidal tendencies, physical illness, and much more.
I have spent years in recovery for codependency, and more recently, love and sex addiction. Twelve step programs have been my sanity, and I highly recommend them (resources located to the left and right of this blog.) Therapy using EMDR, hypnosis, breathwork, and other forms of energy therapy have been most effective for me. This struggle will never end, but it can be coped with and lived with comfortably if one is able to do the inner work and walk through the pain to get to the other side.
Three posts I have written explain in more detail what covert incest is, how to recognize it, and give a bit of background to my story:
NOTE: Yes, I know "liliac" is spelled incorrectly...this was intentional in order to preserve my anonymity from angry, vengeful, prying family members.
Wow!!!
ReplyDeleteI just read your posts on this topic and it has give me a chilling realisation. I have this relationship with my mother, and it still continues to this day.
Growing up with a depressed single parent, I was relied upon emotionally, and I felt like the carer. Now as an adult, I am relied upon emotionally and also financially.
I could never confront her. I could never post on my blog about it, and I admire your courage.
My speak-out post, is exactly this and I never realised it...... until now.... ..
There seem to be emptiness and a void that leans on desire and that takes form in the self-destructive behaviors of addiction. These become a way of avoiding insecurities and escaping the emotional issues from the past that have led to the addictive behaviors.
ReplyDeleteVery true, Kyla. I feel that emptiness all the time, and I realize I am trying to fill it with other things. It's a very hard cycle to break, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteThank you, Lady Daa Doo. I feel your pain; when I first started writing about this, well, the end result was separation from my family of origin. It's a shock to discover some unexplainable experience that shaped your life actually has a name- but it's a step in healing.
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