There's a point in your life when you get tired of trying to fix everything and trying to make everyone happy. When you finally decide to quit, it's NOT giving up. It's realizing you don't need certain people and the bullshit they bring to your life.
It was nice to see this publically posted and I found it validating. My father sent a birthday card recently. I'm too tired to deal with emotional games, and for the first time in my life, I simply tore the envelope up, without looking at it. I didn't wait for my husband to read it for me, or feel guilty, or even wonder if I was tearing up a check or gift card. I just did it. JUST DID IT. Feels good.
That was number one. My sister did something similar with an email, and I wrote back a quick "thanks" and left it at that. I miss her, but I won't be playing games with her, either. And while I was at this, I decided to prune my "friends" who aren't truly friends. If the ratio of give to receive is tilted too far to either extreme, I've had enough. I really am worn out from being a mother, and I only want people who are able to maintain balance in their lives to be a part of mine. So, I am pruning the list down to the essentials: my wonderful husband, my adorable daughter, my long-time ACOA friends, my dear close relatives, any close friends who can honestly, authentically practice the art of friendship and isn't using me for a specific purpose, and my long-time lover.
Who, by the way, is continuing to shock me. He was standing by, patiently, listening to my crazy stories and understanding what I was going through all this time, over three years, maybe four by now. He's been waiting until I was ready---until WE were ready--and it's as if lightening struck and shook my world. Blessed, blessed release.
A lesson this has taught me is that eloquent words without the fortitude to back them up ring hollow. Quiet depth and patience wins out every time. Never overlook the patient man of few words; there is likely more depth to him that the ocean is deep. As strange and unconventional as this sounds, we are on a carnal journey together, one which has the blessing of my husband, and seems to have been written long before it began.
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