I guess I'm asking for your help now. I've been doing pretty well overall. Now, though, I'm struggling. Perhaps this is a boundary issue, I don't know. Gifts. Birthdays. Two issues.
One is I am becoming depressed at the thought of not being acknowledged on my birthday. Odd thing to get upset about before it even happens. It's a heavy feeling, as though I am not important in the world, to anyone. When I close my eyes, I go back to my 16th birthday, wandering around the house like a ghost, afraid, sad, wanting to die...
[An insight just popped in my head: one's birthday is the day one is BORN, right? So, being ignored on one's birth DAY has the feel of never having existed...never having been born. Now that I've born a life myself, I am starting to be able to put into words the existential aspect of being acknowledged, of existing in the physical and emotional realms--of being held, fed, wrapped in swaddle cloths, rocked--all physical expressions of love. I'm going off topic for a moment, but this is exactly why I co-sleep with my baby. We snuggle all night long, she can comfort suck on the breast as much as she wants, and I don't want to do it any other way. I need her to know I LOVE her, I acknowledge her existence and her needs, and her needs WILL be met. No matter how tired I am. I look at her sleeping, her legs draped over mine, her arms open to the whole world, her slow breathing and I couldn't imagine not doing this.]
....The situation is so very different now, why can't I just get over it??? The feeling of depression is almost unconnected to the memory at this point, it's just that years of hypnosis and EMDR make me very aware of past connections to current feelings. The people active in my life are being wonderful and I have absolutely no reason to feel this way. My husband loves birthdays and makes a big deal over them. My mother and cousin are visiting. I even received a special gift in the mail from my lover, quite amazing and appropriate. So, why can't I banish this wet-blanket heaviness from my heart?
I guess this leads to my second issue--I am experiencing a bit of discomfort about this gift. Not because of what it is, but because I didn't ask permission for this to happen. Now, I feel I am hiding something. Did I cross a boundary that I wasn't supposed to? Is there something about gifts that cross boundaries? What is it? And why am I terrified all the sudden? I'm trying to nail down this feeling, but it's getting mixed with the heaviness, and the fear of rejection is creeping up again. A desperate feeling of wanting to grab onto this and smother and make permanent something that is not meant to be so. I'm watching each word and as they evolve and change and then pull back, I am becoming more and more anxious. Checking emails every few minutes, rereading yesterday's conversations over and over again. I don't like this feeling, but I am not sure how to stop it.
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