Still on the upswing...life is pretty decent right now, despite the distress of having been rejected by half of my family of origin. I find I can live with the unresolved, I can hold on to my dignity, and I can keep myself afloat. And it's not just survival anymore.
A good friend told me, right before my daughter was born, that I BELIEVE I will be taking care of her, but in reality, she will be taking care of me. That was a puzzle to me for these past six months, but just this week I understood...I looked at her face, her beautiful face and (she looks so like me!) felt a strong wave of compassion. An emotion I have never felt toward myself. It was for BOTH of us. What a sweet, beautiful, INNOCENT child she is...as I was, too. How could an innocent baby be the cause for her own abuse? It's not possible. I love her so much--so much that I am able to forgive myself, deep in my heart, for the first time.
I can't describe the euphoric feeling of connecting with another tiny human being who has your features, your EXPRESSIONS, your mannerisms, and clings to you as though you are her entire world. This feeling, right here, right now is worth every second of the discomfort of pregnancy, the pain of birth and recovery, and the changes to my body.
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