DH was
trying to protect me from the nastiness the family's discovery of my previous
blog-and he did a good job. I asked him point blank what was said to him, though, (my
husband was dealing with them all so I could focus on my newborn and the ppd),
and apparently my brother-in-law said my blog was "sick." Sick? Do
you think it was sick? Writing my feelings and impressions in my own web
journal is sick? My sister said it was one-sided, without giving my father a
chance to defend himself. Well, this is the man who denies any abuse
whatsoever. And since when is anyone allowed to comment on and judge someone
else's feelings and experiences? My feelings are my own, not to be tossed at
anyone's feet to be judged and shamed. Now my mother is telling me that I
shouldn't be writing personal things on the web and indirectly implying that
this whole business was my fault. And that what happened when I was young was
the responsibility of "all of us." Since when was a child responsible
for her abuse? I watched my own child as I thought this; I looked in her
innocent eyes and the absurdity of that remark made me want to cry.
We had a
wonderful visit with my in laws this weekend; everyone was happy and excited
about our child. She has wonderful grandparents and great aunts. However, the
beauty of this visit brought home the fact that this isn't the case in my own
family. I wanted peace with them so much. I tried so hard. And then found out
they were spying and tracking me on the web and used what I wrote to
"prove" what a sick and demented person I am. My father then said he
feels sorry for my daughter because she won't know him. What an ego! How dare
he bring my daughter into this. She is innocent. I love her. She is mine, and
what she gets to experience is up to me and her, not this man.
I
will never again censor myself just so family secrets can be kept under
wraps or because I am shamed into it. This is my medium and I thrive here. I
KNOW I am not the only person to keep a personal blog, for crying out loud, and
I hope to make friends with people like myself in this forum.
It does
feel good to be sitting here, typing my feelings out again. I've missed blogging.
No comments:
Post a Comment