A Mother's Day Tribute

 The entire process of pregnancy, birth, and postpartum came as a shock. I was not prepared. I did not know the harsh truth about the earthiness of the process, the physicality of it, the discomfort and pain. These things are closely guarded secrets and perhaps I am breaking the womanly code of silence by admitting I was thoroughly miserable during this supposed best time of my life, but I do believe, in retrospect, I would have coped better had I understood the realities. As it was and still is, I struggle with anger, fear, and resentment, along with an overwhelming sense of trauma. Don't get me wrong, I adore my child and do not regret bringing her into the world, which amazes me after "suffering" a Western, medicalized birth, but that is the POWER of a mother's love, a God-given gift indeed.

The idea of passing along a genetic and experiential heritage was a huge factor in my decision to play "Russian roulette" with my fertility at this stage of my life. Most influential in my thinking was my father-in-law's struggle with an extremely quick and debilitating form of Parkinson's disease. We had waited nearly twenty years to reproduce, thinking we would all live forever and reproduction really wasn't a priority in any case. Now that I seem how much my daughter looks so like her grandfather, it humbles me to have thought that way. To see his pleasure and curiosity the past two days has made me realize how precious and crucial are the physical sacrifices women make in carrying and birthing their children. The reward, it seems to me, is after the birth; way after the whole affair is done and over with. And I still don't feel that happy yet, mostly due to suffering a nasty case of postpartum depression consisting of suicidal thoughts and a deep blackness that an extra twenty mg of Prozac only helps to part. But when I see my husband with his daughter, how he coos over her and his face lights up, and my parents- in-law's smiles and eagerness to accept this child, I feel that my suffering was worthwhile--undoubtedly the most worthwhile action I have ever taken. I wish I could FEEL more, though; I am still numb and walk in a fog, but it hit me over the weekend that what I have done will live on long after me, and will carry my daughter's grandfather's and her father's physical and spiritual legacy on long after they have passed. In this, I feel more spiritually at peace than I ever have.

God bless all mothers for the pain they have suffered and the sacrifices they have made to ensure the legacies of their loved ones carry on. Amen.