Directed by my pastor of course, I found an entire album of these incredible, profound but not cliche, sayings. I hate cliches, even if some are true. But this sounds to me like a 12-step saying, and to me, recovery sayings are never cliche.
Can you think of instances in your life when you had to accept something you didn't want to happen?
Found out more information than was comfortable? Let go of someone you thought you would die without having in your life?
I know I can--can you?
On a different topic, I had the heavy thought yesterday that perhaps keeping something like this (having a lover) a secret from the world just doesn't feel good. We have access to each other's worlds through facebook (the bane of my existence at times); he seems to like keeping track of my day-to-day life sometimes, but we cannot speak of this to anyone. I am a hidden part of his life. I know who his friends are, his family, I hear a lot from him about these people. I have a much better sense of his life now and who he is than I had even a few months ago. But I am the secret shadow in the night that comes and goes. Not so on my end at all. But there are many times I try to forget that he is in my world at all, so I don't end up in the same emotional place I have been before. Since it's been so many years, he takes my presence for granted, I think. He believes we are "close and intimate" but I wonder...how close and intimate can you be with someone when you are constantly having to make sure his interest in you stays peaked? You can't truly be yourself. I try not to talk about mundanities, I don't talk at all about the struggles in my head, I try to be the woman he imagines me to be. And it's sort of the opposite of the real me: he sees a woman who doesn't ask much of him, who is independent, not clingy, in emotional control; one who touches his cheek gently when she crawls out of bed, showers, packs up and leaves with no demands, no longing to stay....in other words, the absence of everything I am inside! And he knows that, I really think. But he likes it this way. And I'm a good actress when I need to be, I suppose.
He's told me that I am his perfect lover, and he wants to find a younger version of me as the perfect mate. I did not know how to take that- a compliment or an insult. I don't know, I get very sad sometimes. It feels like this world is really quite cruel. Monogamy would be blissful if one person could meet every need. I don't know what you call this, but it makes me sad because one person fulfills 95 percent of what I need in a man, and the other, 5 percent. But that "small" 5 percent is what causes others in monogamous relationships to have affairs, and this is what my father did when he divorced my mother.
Even younger and single, though, I could never have married him; we're too different. Engineer mind vs. pure emotion. But sexually, this works perfectly and fills a deep part of me that I don't believe another human could.
I talk about this so much because it is a human relationship like any other, impacted by other experiences and relationships--past and present--but simply not an acceptable type in American society.
I never did fit in here in any case. I seem to fit in whenever I travel abroad for some reason. I'm more comfortable and people tend to treat me as familiar in some way. Not here. I stick out like a sore thumb here. I know I was born out of time and place, not fit for twenty-first century America.
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