Breakthrough

Dateline MSNBC: Caron Breakthrough Program

This is the intensive treatment program I went through when I was on the verge of suicide at the end of a destructive love addiction; this was my journey through Breakthrough...my wonderful therapist registered me here; I was alone and terrified when I hit rock bottom,  and she helped me safely get to this sanctuary in rural Pennsylvania.

This program saved my life. 

The only way I can express what this was like and how it felt watching this documentary is by free association:

dysfunctional modus operandi: isolate; be with people all the time-no privacy, not allowed to be on your own for a minute-exhausting. no naps, live with a roomate; trade addiction for food comfort; same therapist-Randy) (male); rceived financial aid to attend, for which i will be forever grateful; so hard to watch, painful.
stay connected-can have the feelings and stay connected to the group. its the connection to the group that heals....I am worthless. I should be dead. oh my god this hurts

this is psychodrama, the "walking through the valley of the shadow of death"--and it will heal you if you allow yourself to enter the depths and be broken.

I think John was incredibly brave to allow himself be filmed while going through this most personal of experiences. "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost but now i'm found; was blind but now i'm free.:

felt safe. group was tougher, didn't like them all, felt their judgement 24/7 for what i had done, but in the end, I loved them as a group. I loved them for what we all did for each other, together. lost touch but they are still with me, in here .

being present, all the time, no distraction. really, reallly scary