Duett-ASP

                       Life hurts.

 My lover wrote a story for me about something I am no longer capable of giving him. I sat in the bathroom weeping. I don't know what to do with this.

Scared

I am scared.

Finally?

I am becoming out of control. Last night, I realized just how on the edge I'm living. I need a meeting.

PPD ten months in...

I received a comment today on emptiness and the need to use addictions to fill it. In that moment, I realized just how empty I feel, and just how hard I'm trying to fill that hole. I haven't been able to find a 12-step group since we moved here. I can't make the hour drive to see my therapist anymore, not with a baby.  And I know a baby isn't meant to fill my emptiness--I am strongly aware of that, and I keep a level of detachment in that area. Not that I am not loving and caring of my child, but I realize that I must keep my self separate and not enmesh like my father did with me. That's the reason I continue working full time, and volunteering until I am so fatigued that I can't see straight. I try to do it ALL-keep myself intact, keep my child emotionally and physically safe and it's sapping the life out of me. I am not the same person I was just ten months ago. I feel sadder, more burdened, and unfortunately, more prone to my addictive tendencies. I find myself sometimes thinking too much about my lover, unable to detach as I need to. I keep myself up at night reading and rereading his emails and stories, forgetting at times the nature of this. I get sad, angry, then try to detach out of frustration. He doesn't fall for any of it, and I end up feeling helpless and depressed at times. Then I repair myself, become consumed with my everyday life, and it starts all over again. This is called obsession, I believe.

One of the emptinesses right now is that my daughter weaned herself very recently, about perhaps two weeks ago. It was gradual and I felt I was losing her. I had come to love breastfeeding, the closeness it brought to us, the earthy womanliness I discovered in myself, and the sense of worth and self-sufficiency I had gained through the act of being able to provide sustenance for this beautiful, dependent creature; how she grew plump and healthy on my milk. And now, it's all gone. I am left with a depression and a loss that I don't know how to cope with, aside from indulging myself with fantasies. Sexual fantasies and plans for a meeting, these things keep me going now. The fact that he will appreciate my body, as changed as it is; that he still wants my breasts in his mouth, that he makes me feel sexy and gorgeous and alive, the opposite of my feeling on most days. I'm clinging to this like a life raft, and I am so sad.

A thoughtful post

What a thoughtful post by this blogger from Qatar. It think this shows that pain, suffering, and yearning for peace and calm inside is a worldwide experience. 

http://juxtapositioninglife.blogspot.com/2010/02/second-chances.html

Another manipulative surprise...

I am fuming. My father is trying to weasel his way back AGAIN. After what he said about my daughter! After disowning my family! A package arrived from him for my daughter yesterday. After he said he wanted nothing to do with her!!!! This is so messed up, I can't believe it. What is this man thinking? That a ten-month old can open a package without her parents knowing about it??? That after what has happened, that her parents would even allow his manipulative gestures to affect her??? And I just love the way he goes about this--he can smugly say to himself that he was just being nice, just giving her a gift. After all, if a person criticizes a gift, who looks bad--the giver or the refuser??? This is the kind of manipulative shit he's pulled all my life, making me doubt my own feelings and being consumed by guilt. After all, I must be the bad one to refuse or be angry about a gift! It's what came beforehand that makes all the difference. It's his words, "it is ----'s loss that her grandfather won't be in her life." This is a pretty typical narcissistic ploy, is it not? Can anyone confirm this for me?

In other areas, this Christmas is turning out not to be what I had hoped. My daughter has been sick for a month with a double ear infection, and somehow I have ended up with one, too. Dh has been sick as well. I've given up on trying to go to work right now because I simply can't cope with all of this at once. Whatever happens with that will happen. I can't do more than I am capable, and I finally hit my limit.


My daughter has decided to self-wean, and in a futile attempt to preserve our bond in case she wants it back soon, I am working very hard. But my body knows and is deciding to take matters into its own hands, so to speak. I am grieving the loss of this, and it hurts to watch her draw closer to her father. Sometimes when I pick her up, she cries and reaches out for him. It just breaks my heart and I run upstairs and cry. I haven't been as available for her as I wish I could be, having been sick all this time--seven infections in ten months. I thought this might be the case, as I knew I was not physically strong enough to handle pregnancy, birth, recovery, and nine months of breastfeeding without some major problems. I wish I were stronger, but it is what it is, right? At least she's here, safe, and getting the most we can possibly give her. We love her more than anything in the world.

Faith in the journey

Faith in the journey. One of the hardest things for us humans to accept...when I started out on this journey, it was because I was weak. I thought if I attacked my weaknesses head on, I might be able to become strong--not the other way around. My most glaring weaknesses--vulnerability, blind trust, and naivete--got me into situations...however, looking back, the situations pushed me to grow, opened my eyes, and granted me sagacity. I have even allowed myself to retain a portion of my weaknesses, because, you know, I was born that way. We are all blindly trusting and physically vulnerable when we first enter the world. It is our natural state in the very beginning. I honor that and wish to keep that supreme closeness to God alive, all the while learning to protect and care for myself in this harsh world.

Best Christmas song, imho

Oh I love this....this is the heart of Christmas.

Just a thought. Lessons from the past. I wish "million" hadn't been misspelled though...

Today I learned just how much potential damage the written word can do...I accidentally emailed a rude comment to a work client. Did I say by accident? ACCIDENT. Oops. I immediately wrote a humble apology, saw the worst happening, and lucky for me, he took it quite well. Moral of story: don't push that send button 'til you're absolutely ready...

Born American, but feel out of time and place

Directed by my pastor of course, I found an entire album of these incredible, profound but not cliche, sayings. I hate cliches, even if some are true. But this sounds to me like a 12-step saying, and to me, recovery sayings are never cliche.

Can you think of instances in your life when you had to accept something you didn't want to happen?
Found out more information than was comfortable? Let go of someone you thought you would die without having in your life?

I know I can--can you?

On a different topic, I had the heavy thought yesterday that perhaps keeping something like this (having a lover) a secret from the world just doesn't feel good. We have access to each other's worlds through facebook (the bane of my existence at times); he seems to like keeping track of my day-to-day life sometimes, but we cannot speak of this to anyone. I am a hidden part of his life. I know who his friends are, his family, I hear a lot from him about these people. I have a much better sense of his life now and who he is than I had even a few months ago. But I am the secret shadow in the night that comes and goes. Not so on my end at all. But there are many times I try to forget that he is in my world at all, so I don't end up in the same emotional place I have been before. Since it's been so many years, he takes my presence for granted, I think. He believes we are "close and intimate" but I wonder...how close and intimate can you be with someone when you are constantly having to make sure his interest in you stays peaked? You can't truly be yourself. I try not to talk about mundanities, I don't talk at all about the struggles in my head, I try to be the woman he imagines me to be. And it's sort of the opposite of the real me: he sees a woman who doesn't ask much of him, who is independent, not clingy, in emotional control; one who touches his cheek gently when she crawls out of bed, showers, packs up and leaves with no demands, no longing to stay....in other words, the absence of everything I am inside! And he knows that, I really think. But he likes it this way. And I'm a good actress when I need to be, I suppose.


He's told me that I am his perfect lover, and he wants to find a younger version of me as the perfect mate.  I did not know how to take that- a compliment or an insult.  I don't know, I get very sad sometimes. It feels like this world is really quite cruel. Monogamy would be blissful if one person could meet every need. I don't know what you call this, but it makes me sad because one person fulfills 95 percent of what I need in a man, and the other, 5 percent. But that "small" 5 percent is what causes others in monogamous relationships to have affairs, and this is what my father did when he divorced my mother.

Even younger and single, though, I could never have married him; we're too different. Engineer mind vs. pure emotion. But sexually, this works perfectly and fills a deep part of me that I don't believe another human could.

I talk about this so much because it is a human relationship like any other, impacted by other experiences and relationships--past and present--but simply not an acceptable type in American society.

I never did fit in here in any case. I seem to fit in whenever I travel abroad for some reason. I'm more comfortable and people tend to treat me as familiar in some way. Not here. I stick out like a sore thumb here.  I know I was born out of time and place, not fit for twenty-first century America.

Please Don't Leave Me by Pink

One of my favorite songs, Pink "Please Don't Leave Me"--I found this comment under the youtube video:

"I wonder how many people get this video. It's usually the man who plays Pink's role but I think it was ingenious of her to play the role herself instead of playing the victim. It's about abuse and narcissism. It's about selfish self-centeredness. It's about control freak behavior. It's not about female power, it's about abusive relationships."

I discovered Pink while I was at the Caron recovery program--I think she's  quite flamboyant, but speaks for victims of domestic abuse and addiction. I probably mentioned it before, but this is the song my group therapists played "accidentally" for me at the end of the program. I personally don't believe it was any accident! The first time I listened to the lyrics closely, I recognized myself and it scared the crap out of me. That's exactly how I was with one person. "You're my perfect little punching bag. I need you. I'm sorry." But these things aren't one-sided; they're very complex and it's part of the karmic relationship; I've known that for a long time. I was both the perpetrator and the victim. That's the relieving thing about my current lover--there is no karmic revenge in the background, waiting to play itself out.

After those four years, out of the blue one day (he'd been seeing many women for the past four years, this was a very casual thing), he "proposed": "I want you as my lover, ----, you." He'd finally made up his mind, I guess. I didn't know there was anything to make up his mind about. Our meetings are so infrequent and he was never vocal about anything up until then. I've since found out what a deep, damn smart (absolutely gifted-physically, academically, artistically...I had no idea!) person he is. It's like the Irish ballad about a woman running off with a gypsy, only to find out after she married him that he was a wealthy, landed aristocrat! You accept someone for who they really are--and only then might you find out their secrets. I simply accepted his reservedness and never asked anything of him. I don't know how I managed that because I am a very needy person, as a certain few people can attest to. Probably because I am happily married, believe it or not. He likes that--we all like that. I don't see him often in order to keep my mind on my family--he takes me to a completely different realm when I'm with him and it takes me about a month to fully return, so our meetings are spaced out. I think something similar happens to him, too. He's talked about "recovering" and "processing" before, and he gets so exhausted! It's funny to me, how knocked out he gets, when I'm full of energy (and I'm ten years older than him!) We're all happy this way, though. I can't explain it, why this works for all of us in a monogamous culture.

Next time...Pink's song "Fucking Perfect"... for all of us who hate ourselves, contemplate suicide, and eventually recover.

Happy days...

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Yesterday was a lovely holiday--the first time without any family, just good friends, kids, dogs, and delicious food. I think it was the best Thanksgiving I've ever had. No drama, no anger, no games, just a good old time with a fried turkey and lots of white wine. I didn't realize holidays could be so lovely.

Welcome to the Holiday season...it's going to be fun without family crap!!!!

More on different types of abuse...and hanging on by a thread

I'm amazed at the traffic to this blog since November 18! I had no idea people would be interested this particular topic.

I was feeling a bit uncomfortable about having classified covert incest as "domestic violence" because the common image of domestic violence is wife beating or other abusive actions one spouse perpetrates against the other. But after I read a variety of the posts linked to Wanderlust's blog, I am now glad I did.

The comparison between emotional and physical abuse is always in the back of my mind, and I've read this on other blogs, too: which is worse--physical scars or emotional ones? Being physically assaulted or emotionally manipulated, terrified, and frozen? I can't make a choice on this. I'm not sure there's even a reason to choose.  But some people say that the pain of a physical beating leaves more hurt and humiliation than the internal scars of emotional abuse. Others say at least one can get help getting away from physical violence; you have the proof of abuse, whereas emotional abuse is usually more subtle and harder to prove.

I haven't been the victim of physical abuse, so I cannot speak with any true authority--the only time I came close was when one of my actions caused an ex-boyfriend to slam his fist through a wall...that was close enough for me. I saw how this boy's father physically beat his son and I was out of there; perhaps recognizing a definite boundary between the physical and the emotional because at least I had witnessed physical boundaries in my family of origin.

And when it comes to sexual trauma, I am caught in the middle on that one, too. To me, sexual abuse incorporates the most insidious aspects of both physical and emotional abuse. The physical act of being penetrated, violated, against one's will; the pain, the outward scar, it's all there. But the emotional damage--the long-lasting fear and guilt, the inability to talk about the event out of culturally imposed shame; that's devastating as well.

As I've probably mentioned before, I've experienced two episodes in this realm, but not like the typical rapes and traumas one hears about. One with a relative as a child. The second, really, (and I might have mentioned this before, too), was what my therapist called an anal rape. (sorry, I know this is a delicate subject). It's very convoluted because I was in a situation I had agreed to, had wanted, but I had expressly told the person that anal sex was a NO. And the bottom line was that he did it anyway, without permission at all. When I realized what was going on, I was in terrible pain and told him to stop, which, to his credit, he did. However, he denied knowing, admitting what he had done, which is not to his credit. And only said he was surprised he got in as far as he did, as he held my tear-stained face between his hands. A cold kind of intimacy.  Now, this is the one memory that haunts me because it was the element that I have in common with other victims of domestic violence...allowing a man to do to me something that I don't want or deserve, and let that be okay. To even forgive simply because he acted intimate for a short time after the act. That intimacy left me craving more of that type of intimacy, further allowing myself to accept things that hurt me emotionally or made me uncomfortable. It was a vicious cycle that is continuing to this day.

And this is why I identify with victims of domestic violence. I believe that my childhood covert incest experience left me open to accepting violations, no matter how mundane or serious, and to become addicted to the short-term intimacy after the pain; addicted to the drama, the wild roller coaster ride of intimacy initiated by negativity.

Honestly, I am having a rough time right now, struggling with this. My desire to stir up drama and the craving for sexual intimacy has led me to an almost devastating action; luckily, I was saved by some one's cool head and logical thinking. This is so hard; it hurts all the time. I am up nights even when I have the opportunity for sleep, trying to help myself down from the edge of the cliff, but the edge is beckoning and is so tempting. I know the feeling of sitting at a table contemplating a bottle of whiskey, knowing the consequences, but the smell and the yearning for just a sip is too much to bear... I'm hanging on by a thread these days.

Speaking out on covert incest

Since today is SPEAK OUT day, I will add my voice to those of countless other victims of domestic violence. In essence, this entire blog is devoted to speaking out about one particular, insidious form of domestic violence: covert incest (also called emotional incest)--a term many people have never heard. 

COVERT INCEST

"...occurs when a child plays the role of a surrogate husband or wife to a lonely, needy parent. The parent's need for companionship is met through the child. The child is bound to the parent by excessive feelings of responsibility for the welfare of the parent. As adults, these children struggle with commitment, intimacy and expressions of healthy sexuality.

There is no physical, sexual contact in this form of incest. Yet, inherent in the relationship is an archetype of feelings and dynamics more comparable to young love than a nurturing parent-child alliance. They become psychological or emotional lovers." 

-From Sanctuary for the Abused (see link to page on the blogroll)

It is a quiet, devastating form of abuse that is accompanied by guilt, fear, and confusion. In my case, my father used me as his surrogate wife (my parents' relationship was an unhappy one, obviously), and our relationship was intense, emotional, physically expressive, and even at times felt as though there were a sexual energy attached.  Let me make it clear that there was no OVERT sexual abuse. However, the result of this relationship has been sexual frigidity, which, in my mid-thirties then turned on itself to become a raging sex addiction, lifelong severe and chronic depression, suicidal tendencies, physical illness, and much more. 

I have spent years in recovery for codependency, and more recently, love and sex addiction. Twelve step programs have been my sanity, and I highly recommend them (resources located to the left and right of this blog.) Therapy using EMDR, hypnosis, breathwork, and other forms of energy therapy have been most effective for me. This struggle will never end, but it can be coped with and lived with comfortably if one is able to do the inner work and walk through the pain to get to the other side.  

Three posts I have written explain in more detail what covert incest is, how to recognize it, and give a bit of background to my story: 

http://theworldthroughneweyes-liliacspring.blogspot.com/2011/04/beginning.html

http://theworldthroughneweyes-liliacspring.blogspot.com/2011/05/covert-incest-101.html

http://theworldthroughneweyes-liliacspring.blogspot.com/2011/06/how-to-recognize-covert-incest.html

 I truly hope this has helped. If you think you might have suffered covert incest, do not feel shame. This was NOT your fault; abuse, no matter what form, is NEVER the child's fault. Use the resources on the side bar if you need to. Feel free to contact me at liliacspring@gmail.com if you would like to know more. 

NOTE: Yes, I know "liliac" is spelled incorrectly...this was intentional in order to preserve my anonymity from angry, vengeful, prying family members.

Speak out against domestic violence day, Nov 18

Speak out against domestic violence on Nov 18...."On November 18th, bloggers all over the world will post, tweet, share, and encourage people to “Speak Out” against domestic violence and provide direct links to domestic violence (DV) resources. The event date is strategically set to lead into International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women on Nov. 25."

 www.wanderlust.com/p/speak-out.html

I plan on adding my voice...do you?

Psychological abuse chart from Singular Insanity

What a fantastic post by one of my favorite bloggers! She posted a chart on the definition of psychological abuse, which was published in a Canadian study on the topic. The link to her article is http://www.singularinsanity.com/2011/11/what-is-psychological-abuse.html

I'm going to reproduce the chart here because it's a concise and accurate description of the various forms of psychological abuse out there. I hope you find it as useful as I have.

Neglectful Tactics	Deliberate Tactics
Denying Emotional Responsiveness -       failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; -       interacting in a detached and uninvolved manner; -       interacting only when necessary; -       ignoring the other person’s attempts to interact (for example, treating an older adult who lives in a residence or institution as though she/he is “a job to be done”)	Accusing, blaming and jealous control -       telling a person repeatedly that he/she has caused the abuse; -       blaming the person unfairly for everything that goes wrong; -       accusing the person of having affairs or flirting with others; -       making the person feel they cannot be trusted; -       checking up on their activities; -       demanding the person account for every moment of the day; -       using anger to control the other person.
Discounting –      not giving any credence to the person’s point of view; –      not validating the person’s feelings; –     claiming the behaviour was meant as a joke.	Criticizing behaviour and ridiculing traits -       continuously finding fault with the other person or making the person feel nothing he/she does is ever right; -       setting unrealistic standards; -       belittling the person’s thoughts, ideas and achievements; -       diminishing the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person; -       mimicking her/him.
Ignoring -       purposefully not acknowledging the presence, value or contribution of the other; -       acting as though the other person were not there.	Degrading -       insulting, ridiculing, name calling, imitating, or infantilizing; -       yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling the other person as stupid.
Denying or forgetting -       denying that any abuse has ever taken place; -       telling the person no one would believe the accusations because it is all in his/her head; -       forgetting promises or agreements.	Harassing -       repeatedly contacting, following or watching the other person; -       ‘keeping tabs’ on him/her through others; –sending unwanted gifts.

Countering -          implying something is wrong with the person who has hurt feelings or complains about not liking his/her treatment as a result of the abuse; -        contradicting what the other person says.	Corrupting/Exploiting -       socializing a person to accept ideas or behaviours that are illegal; -       using a person for advantage or profit; –training him/her to serve the abuser’s interests; -       enticing him/her into the sex trade; -       permitting a child to use alcohol or drugs
Minimizing / trivializing -        refusing to validate the other person’s feelings of hurt; -        suggesting that nobody else would be upset by the same treatment.	Terrorizing –      inducing terror or extreme fear in a person through coercion or intimidation; –      placing or threatening to place a person in an unfit or dangerous environment; –      threatening to hurt or kill a pet or loved ones; –      threatening to destroy possessions; –     threatening to have the person deported or placed in an institution.
Rejecting -       refusing to acknowledge a person’s presence, value or worth; -       communicating to a person that he/she is useless or inferior; -       devaluing his/her thoughts and feelings; -       repeatedly treating a child differently from other siblings in a way that suggests resentment, rejection or dislike for the child.	Isolating –     physically confining the person; –     restricting normal contact with others; –     limiting freedom and excluding an older adult from personal decisions; –     locking a person in a closet or room; –     refusing a person access to his/her own or jointly owned money; –     depriving a person of mobility aids or transportation; –     using others as pawns in relationships.

This information has been sourced from the National Clearinghouse on Family Violence.  "Psychological Abuse: A Discussion Paper" Prepared by Deborah Doherty and Dorothy Berglund. Ottawa: Public Health Agency of Canada, 2008. 


Thanks again to Singular Insanity for posting this!

Nine months

A quick post this morning. We hit the nine-month mark yesterday! And I was actually able to read 30 pages of a book for the first time in a year on that day...the tide has turned and life is beginning a new phase of normalcy. We are heading out for a trip the end of this week, and I'll be back home by myself on Monday and Tuesday, which I am looking forward to, but I know I'll be missing my little munchkin horribly!

Wow. How did we make it this far??? My husband made an interesting comment yesterday: "You must be feeling calm to be reading again." He's so right. Only when there's no angst, no drama, no upset, can I be swept away in a novel. And it's been years, literally. I've been reading in bed after my daughter drifts off, before she wakes up for her nighttime cuddle. What a pleasure it is to hold a solid, beautiful book in my hands again! I think of the dramas that have been consuming me, and am so grateful that I am gracefully coping now. And so grateful for the little life who wants to cuddle with me every night.

My father is out of my life completely and my sister and brother-in-law have no contact with me. It should leave a gap in my little family's life, but we feel completely filled. The only other relationship that is up in the air knows where I can be contacted and what boundaries I have to put down, but I am not holding my breath. I'm okay with either way, as I am sure the other party is, too. It's really the other party's decision. <3

This is what I'm referring to:

The birds of worry...

That the birds of worry and care fly over your head, this you cannot change, but that they build nests in your hair, this you can prevent.  ~Chinese Proverb

I like this. The birds of worry will be everywhere, but do you really want them nesting on your head? An amusing image, isn't it?

And the day came...