Full of fear

Alright, it's 3 am and I'm wide awake, having what feels like an anxiety attack. I had a terrible dream that my child was dying. That my husband was the one to be watching over her and reporting to me that she looked terrible. The dream was painful in both that she was dying and that my husband was the one who was closest to her. That part is realistic at least. She adores her daddy and sometimes will only let him pick her up--she will smile at me from his arms, but only there.

He's so obsessed with her. I love that he is so happy and that he is such an amazing father. Sometimes, I still feel sad and lonely though.

I had a horribly disturbing dream a few weeks ago, a fear-based dream that he was sexually stimulated by her. I immediately associated that fear with my past, no question. I still can't get the image out of my head, but I won't describe it here. I'm not sure I could say it in words in any case.

Then, I haven't heard from my lover in, what, two days, and I started panicking that something's happened to him already...I know it's foolish. I am full of fear right now.

Finally, this may sound trivial, but I got triggered today when I gave my boss dates that I want to take off this summer and fall. His response was to say "almost no." There are two plans I had, the first in years, that I really want to do. One is a family vacation to the beach. Our first ever with our daughter. The second is the professional conference in London in the fall, which is so important to me and has kept me going through the depression and difficulty of the past two years. I think I got so triggered because I actually ASKED for something, which I never do. I never feel I am worthy enough to ask for anything, except physical necessity (for example, when I was pregnant). And a no like this hits me in the gut, and reminds me of my worthlessness. Not to mention that I have given this job my all, my everything, even putting my pregnancy at risk. My boss just happens to be a narcissist--how do I attract these people in my life?? It hurts and I'm not completely clear why.

Oh, and add to that my father's manipulative ploy today. The more I think about it, the furious I become. 

It's all enough to prevent desperately needed sleep and give me a throbbing headache.