Rough ride

It's been a while since I've posted. I've been through a pretty rough ride, what with depression rearing its ugly head again. Sometime I feel such a desperate sense of hopelessness and being "blocked in" by life. I should be so thrilled being a mother, but I am not finding the joy I had hoped. I don't have a natural sense of playfulness and I simply want to be alone sometimes. I'm not a bad person for feeling this way; I suspect this is part of the depression disease that I inherited.

On a positive note, I am not acting helpless about the depression, which would be my normal modus operandi. I am trying to be as proactive as I can, with my husband's urging. I am signed up for another intensive weekend-long therapy retreat in May. Thank goodness. I've been a long time out of therapy, but I am still involved, if you know what I mean. Also, I finally found a church I can live with. I attended last Sunday and it felt better. I felt relieved and refreshed for the first time in a long time. The church's motto is "church for people who don't do church" lol, the perfect hook for reeling me in. It reminds me a lot of my last church, but it is quite different. I'm not sure I'll ever find another pastor as radical as my last one, and it was his uniqueness that drew me in. But I've grown up since then, and I can handle a pastor who is a little more conservative now.

So, between an upcoming therapy retreat and a new church, I'm doing much better. I'm also doing well in my career, have been asked for another interview, am busy as a bee and absolutely love it.

My lover seems to be doing well, too. I saw a photo of him the other day and he actually looks healthier and heartier being deployed than he did at home. I have thought a lot about his lifestyle and have come to the conclusion that it probably isn't the best for him, but he will take himself out of it when he's ready. Living alone in a townhouse, dark brown curtains over the windows, hanging out on the internet much of the time...I know he's got a porn addiction problem, as he has admitted as much to me. Overseas, he's always with people and can't hole up in his den like he does at home. He looks happier and livelier. I don't know if our association is such a good thing for him...I haven't looked at it this way before. I know it's been what he's wanted, but is it healthy for HIM? I have to admit, it probably isn't. And as much as I dread him letting go and moving on, I'm watching and waiting to see what would be best for him. I really do care, deeply.