It's too much

I can't concentrate. The depression is very bad. I am doing my best for my daughter, but sometimes I just can't take it. I never imagined raising a child would be so hard; I'm not cut out for it. I would say this is still ppd, but it's been over 14 months now.

No, this is me. Never happy no matter what; even if I get everything I want. When my lover was here, I could disassociate with him; now I have nothing to disappear into. Just me getting sick, little one getting sick, watching my husband be energized and happy. I feel very much on the outside, locked in a glass cage. Sometimes I want to howl with my little one, when she screams, I want to do it, too. I want someone to take care of ME. I'm so exhausted, in every single way. I haven't been able to lose the weight from my pregnancy, I can barely move at the end of each day. My hormones are still a wreck; I have the hunger of pregnancy but I'm NOT! I don't understand what's going on.

I need to say to someone that I have started drinking a little. Sometimes my nerves are so shot, when the fussiness won't stop, when I'm alone with my daughter and I am depressed. I drink whiskey or rum. A swig or two, just enough to put a damper on the despair. I did last night. I did a few nights before. I need to talk to someone, I'm hurting inside, like a sword stabbing me in the the stomach over and over again. I'm back on the seroquel for sleep and anxiety, and I'm afraid I might end up doing something.

I don't understand--everything seems to be going fine. I mean, my daughter is healthy and well-adjusted and on track in every way. My career is going fine, I'm very involved in my other "career" and am doing fantastic things. I have plans for going to New York for a conference next month, then a beach vacation in June, then London in the fall.

So I just don't understand why I want to drive my car into an electric pole. I am fighting the urge physically to do this whenever I'm behind the wheel. I have to be constantly vigilant. And when I discovered whiskey about a month ago, I was so relieved. Finally, something to dull the pain. I do when my husband's around and he doesn't even notice. He's so entranced with my daughter, he doesn't notice much.

When my lover is here, I feel wanted. It gives me a reason to look forward to time. Right now, I can only see the endless routine of the days. Little sleep, little food (and I don't lose weight!!), exhaustion by 4PM, then I have the hardest part of my day ahead of me. It goes on for hours. Any time by myself is spent fretting about the lack of time. Piles and piles of laundry and dishes and bottles and spilled food. I am so tired, and this is not going to end, not for a long, long time.